Spoon Archive

I got Sarged in South Beach!

January 7th, 2008

Saturday night I was lounging around the room with nobody to go out with and decided that “Hey, I’m a big girl. I can go out alone.” I got dressed and drove myself down towards the beach where all the clubs supposedly are. I’ve never gone dancing or to a bar alone. It seems semi-loserish and dangerous, especially in a town I don’t live in, but the cabin fever was going to kill me more.

I park the car, wander towards one of the hotels where these security guards are standing and ask naively, “Excuse me. What is this?” (You know, not wanting to crash a private party.)

“It’s the Skybar.”

“Oh, a club?”


“How much is it?”

The security people laugh at me.

“$1000 bucks.”

They open the elastic barrier and let me in.

I compensate, “Sorry! I’m from out of town.”

So I’m standing there at this bar/club nursing my tiny $15 (wtf!) cape cod and thinking, “I hope I figure out how to make some friends or something before I have to buy another $15 drink.” There’s no dancing at this club for me to hide myself in. So I’m just standing there, taking in this amazing joint (the clubs on South Beach are mega swank because they are all part of the hotels. Like the Standard, except larger and with better furniture.)

Anyway, so this Korean guy comes up to me and is like, “I’m looking for my friend. He’s 6’3″ and Dominican. How am I going to find him here?”

And I’m so relieved that someone is talking to me, and at a non-creepy yet somehow strategic 45 degree angle. And I’m especially excited that this Korean guy is talking to me because I had passed him seconds before thinking, “I wonder what that Korean guy is doing in South Beach.” So we talk about being Asian in Miami and what each of us is doing there.

And suddenly, like three minutes into the conversation, I’m totally swooning.

The whole conversation is all too slick. His friend swoops in and is like “Hey, kiss him on the cheek.”

It’s all too familiar. Like I’ve read this in a book or seen it on a tv show….

I’m like, “Wait a second. Have you seen the Pick Up Artist on VH1?”

“Oh yea! I watch that show religiously.”

“You know, I got a ride to the airport from Spoon and Brady.”

“No way.”

“You’ve taken a Pick-up workshop haven’t you?”


“Actually. I have.”

I’m jumping up and down wagging my finger and screaming!

“AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I knew it!! I knew it! I know all these tricks! I knew this was all familiar.”

Anyway, he was smooth, gorgeous, and works as a diplomat. And even if he was totally awkward and untrained in the ways of approaching a woman, I would have talked to him. He wasn’t wearing aviation goggles or a fur hat. He was just well dressed. And he’s taken workshops from Tyler Durden (the anarchy-ish PUA revolutionary) and Mystery. It felt really weird to be part of some script, and I kept questioning his sincerity.

But he wasn’t as choppy as the guys from the show who seemed to work with a lot of canned material. And we had a good talk about the Pick Up community and “The Game” by Neil Strauss. I kept calling him on every thing I could recognize. I started mocking him by stroking my hair and squealing, “Look buddy! An IOI!” (Indicator of interest.) He takes my hand and whispers in my ear, “Ok, let’s help Juan get a girl.” Suddenly we are winging his friend. It was crazy watching these two guys scan a room and funny to be part of it. I was like a live action DVD commentary, making smart remarks the whole time.

He was like, “Kristina, can you turn that off?”

I was like, “Can you turn it off?”

What a trip. I got “opened” by a professional pick up artist. And I kinda thought this might happen because there are pick up artists all over this place. It was an experience. And I’m glad of it.

I think my fascination with the whole Pick Up Artist community is that they do what I do in ways– site specific performance, culture jamming, and performing gender. They don’t do it to the same effect that I do, as their work lacks the social commentary, and they aren’t going to get grants to pick up women. But I think the fact that men pay thousands of bucks to learn how to denote their high value (DHV they call it), create conversations that add exciting information (kind of like a good improv), and use a lot of tactics from the sales world (to “close” in PUA speak) says a lot about how much men need companionship as much as women.

He and I, we’re both performers.

He said he might come to my show. Perhaps, this is my tactic to make sure I fill that 400 seat theater. I will stand around at clubs and mock pick up artists and guilt them to coming to my show.

So for my mother and others who wonder if there was a love connection…. Nah, everyone knows that my dream man is that guy I’ve been sending letters to in prison who will be getting out in 5 to 10. I hold out for only the best. ;)

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Category: loser, reality tv, Spoon, the pick up artist, Vh1

Bienvenido a Miami! Where the players play… alone!

January 6th, 2008

Miami has been gorgeous the last few days. It’s unreal that I get to be here so long. And I’m almost agitated because I am having a hard time embracing that I’ve earned this. Can artists really be treated like a million bucks on the road? Like shouldn’t someone at some point be bopping me on the head and telling me that the empty dorm room bed awaits me??!

Here’s the photo story.

First, as promised. Evidence that Spoon and Brady from VH1′s “The Pick Up Artist” did indeed take me to the Airport. No pictures of me WITH them, but that will be the next ride to the airport!

Spoon driving with his 6:30 AM on.

Brady being crushed by my monster luggage.

And now I am in Miami. I’ve never been treated so well on a residency before. I mean I thought I’ve been treated well. But his is like fantasy residency! I’ve been given a rental car, a per diem, two weeks at the Standard and a pretty loose schedule to enjoy the surroundings. The car has a GPS and says, “You have arrived” when I get to my destination. And when it says that. I feel like they are saying so much more. I really have arrived it seems.

I can’t believe what a luxury this is. It’s like my friend E said once of being hot and single and waking up alone every morning, “This is such a waste!”

Indeed, this place is so gorgeous, it seems quite wasteful to be in this awesome hotel all alone. So guess what? You are coming with me! Check it. I present a grand tour of Miami so far…. Mostly the hotel.

A dock overlooking the water. Just behind the hotel!

The lounge chairs at dusk.

The giant king bed is 6 feet across and mocks soloness when I sleep in it.

This is where you load up in mud and wash it off. Going to try this tomorrow.

The view at dusk.

A note from the general manager welcoming me to the Standard and to Miami. I felt like such a rock star.

Anyway, the being here alone thing is killing me. I can’t go this long without having someone to talk to and it’s only been like a day! This joint is swarming with couples and cool people. I was thinking there would be solo artists roaming the joint and wanting to party… kinda like when I went to Greece. But in odd ways I’m having flashbacks of middle school. Next week I’ll be teaching workshops all over the place and my circle of Miami folk I know will grow. But I feel like I showed up at prom alone being here. It’s like a honeymoon for one.

I was thinking about what a rock star I am this week and how people would love to join me. So perhaps my friend Jess is right, I need my own reality show, “a Shot at Love with Kristina Wong” where people vie for my love in special performance art challenge like who can convey the most oppression with fake blood and howling sounds. Ha!

By the way, I’m here early assembling a cast of community artists to be in my show. I already found my cutest cop! Look for Sasha at the show! She takes after her mom who is a notable Miami B Girl.

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Category: artist life., balance, dying alone, miami, reality tv, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., Spoon, the pick up artist, vacation?, Vh1, vision

Pick Ups out the door!

January 3rd, 2008

I’m at LAX now for my 8:25 am flight to Miami. I packed the whole apartment into two suitcases it seems.

Yet again, I couldn’t bribe anyone for a ride. So I turned to my new best friend, fake tv boyfriend, and ex-reality star for help.

Yay! Spoon, from VH1′s “The Pick up Artist” gave me a second ride to the airport. And this time he rolls up to my apartment at 6:30am and there’s a guy in the passenger seat. I hear, “Is that her?!”

(And I project, from his voice, that perhaps he too was a wee bit disappointed that I don’t look like a school girl, instead I look like Kristina.)

It’s Brady, the runner up from VH1′s the Pick up artist, also Spoon’s roommate. Brady also got a stripper to make out with him on the show. Which even as a feminist, I found impressive.

I think Brady and Spoon were the cutest ones on the show. I was so starstruck by these two ex-reality stars outside of my apartment taking me to the airport, I started to jump up and down with glee. I think they were happy to be appreciated as their show was kind of the sleeper hit of VH1′s line up in 2007 and their return to real life has been not as glamorous.

It was such a fun ride over.

Brady busts out with one of the pick up lines (“openers”) that I knew well from watching the show and reading “The Game.” He says from the backseat, “So who do you think lies more, girls or guys?”

I started screaming and laughing, “Don’t pull that shit on me! I know all the lines! I’ve read the pick-up books! I know all the tricks! Those openers they taught you were so ridiculous.”

And then Brady ad libs with another opener, which had to be the dumbest one on the show, “Did you see the fight outside?”

We were all laughing.

Then I started to wag my finger at those two and scolded them, “You know, you two were just as cute, if not cuter before your Pick-up makeovers. I actually preferred you guys when you were dorks.”

Spoon shook his head as if to say, “No like the old Spoon.”

Anyway, I was so happy when they dropped me off at the curb, I jumped up to hug both of them.

Yay! Rock Star!


Will post pictures when I land.

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Category: asian men, hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, reality tv, Spoon, the pick up artist, Vh1

Need a Pick-up to LAX?

December 23rd, 2007

Only in LA.

My flight to San Francisco tomorrow is at 6:30am (yay for picking the cheapest flight on Orbitz!) and none of my friends are up to taking me to LAX despite my 5AM breakfast bribes, etc.

Parking is too expensive. Taxi is too expensive. I could pay it, but out of principle I refuse to give in.

And even the shuttle services are overbooked on this holiday weekend.

Then I started going up and down my Instant Messenger list seeing who would take me to the airport at the crack of dawn for food or gas money.

And I found a taker….

SPOON! Yes, ex-reality contestant from VH1′s “the Pick Up Artist,” who is now in LA, is coming over to take me to the airport.

I’ve never actually met the guy in person. But it should be fine. How dangerous could it be to get a ride from a failed pick up artist who is Chinese and from Portland and was on a reality show? And isn’t it appropriately LA to get airport rides from ex-Reality TV stars? Isn’t this one of those odd LA experiences that I should have just to put in my “LA files?”

I know that if anyone I ever dated is reading this now, they are laughing at me. But they will bite their tongues when the secrets to the VH1 reality TV world are revealed during my 4am airport ride.

Hollywood insider that I am!

Now, if you don’t hear from me in a few days, it means the guy from Reality TV kidnapped me.

Will return (alive, hopefully) with a full report.

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Category: hollywood wong, Spoon, Vh1

How cute is SPOON?!

August 7th, 2007

So I don’t even have cable, but now, I’m going to ask Vince to Tivo this show for me…

It’s Vh1′s “The Pick Up Artist”– a show where this guy named “Mystery” who looks like a cheezey Goth wearing clearance rack stuff from Hot Topic shows eight “lovable losers” how to get their mack on.

Anyway, the only reason why I’m going to watch is because there are two totally adorable Asian boys on it who are so helpless around women. Aw. So cute.

Aw, Asian boys with no game. So cute. They are so cute too. They look like guys I’d have crushes on.

One of the guys is named “Spoon”– so cute! He’s Chinese. He’s like my mom’s dream come true.

Anyway, you know what? I’m IM’ing with Spoon now. He put his IM handle on his myspace page. And I added it to my Buddy list to see if he’d really show up and there he is! And we are actually writing each other. It’s unreal. It’s like I’m stepping into a new dimension. I can’t believe how accessible people are now.

Here’s part of our silly chat.

KRISTINA: hi spoon!
i’m kristina!

SPOON: hello

KRISTINA: oh my god!

SPOON: i’m spoon

KRISTINA: you’re so cute
i just asked you to be my myspace friend

SPOON: well thx

KRISTINA: i don’t have cable but now i want to get it

And more of our chat….

KRISTINA: So why is the world’s biggest Mack a cheesey goth?

SPOON: nah

KRISTINA: i hold it up for you asian brother

SPOON: see i think that’s what vh1 wants people to think
he’s not cheesey

and even more…

SPOON: i look different now
i lost a bit of weight

KRISTINA: and your name is spoon!

SPOON: been going to the gym 6 days a week
for a month now

KRISTINA: aw cute
you’re my mom’s dream come true
do you want to come to san francisco and meet my family?
they’ll go nuts for you!

SPOON: lol sure

YAY! I found my Mom a husband! Woo woo! And his name is Spoon and he’s Chinese and he came from Television!


It’s a good day in America!

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Category: sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., Spoon, the pick up artist, Vh1