It keeps happening lately, especially now, in this economy, when I return to Los Angeles for a long stretch of time. But especially lately, now that Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is done and there are new shows to be made.
I am left atop an empty pocket of air. Wondering, what am I to do with this time on earth.
Yes, the meaning of life question.
I don’t know what there is in this city anymore. I’ve been here a long long time. And I accomplished what a huge life goal was… to make a good living as an artist… doing art that would allow me to travel and was work that I could feel was meaningful and mine.
This question was partially sparked by my friend who just came by and said, “I have no family here, no partner, just a job, shouldn’t I just move home and be with my family?”
And I was like: “Should I be doing the same thing?” Because actually… I’m in the same boat. If anything, I don’t have a job here… technically. As with everyone in LA, I’m a freelancer, and right now, everyone is more “free” than “lancing.”
We are all floating in this space of “is the sky falling?” and what will happen next in this great big blur called the recession?
I’m thinking of doing something drastic. Like living off the grid like this guy I met in Alaska is. Or teaching English abroad. Or working on organic farms in Europe.
Why is Nancy Grace so obsessed with dead and abducted children?
Why doesn’t human or pet feces make good compost?
What is it like emotionally to be a 13 years old girl and lose your virginity in 2008 versus in 1991? (Not that I was a 13 year old girl in 1991 who lost her virginity, mind you)
Why did I just spend over $100 on dresses when I already have a closet full of clothes and no business buying anything right now?
I guess I should pack for San Francisco. Going up for six days. My grandpa turns 89 this weekend! But, we aren’t sure if that’s his real birthday or INS birthday. Though that’s the one we’ve been counting.
I spent today– laughing, crying, getting angry, feeling freaked out and alone, feeling suicidal, and then feeling great again. It’s kind of like this whole year of my life wrapped up in one strange last day.
I’m off to a New Year’s get together at Helena’s place.
Not sure what will happen at the end of 2008. But I can only hope it will be as good to me as 2007 was. I’ve had few years as good as this one.
According to Wikipedia and my friend Bangbay, I am in my Saturn’s Return which would explain all this heavy life crisis stuff I’ve been going through in the last two weeks.
Saturn’s Return The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs in a person’s life at approximately 27–30 years of age and again around the age of 58–60, with the third and usually final occurrence around 86-88. The planetSaturn takes approximately 29.5 years to orbit the Sun; when it returns to the exact degree along the ecliptic it occupied at the time of a person’s birth this is referred to as their “Saturn Return”.
Saturn is symbolically/astrologically associated with time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, and hard lessons, among other more positive things such as structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, and order – this is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage and is considered by many astrologers to mark the “true beginning” of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, responsibility, ambition, and full maturation.
Anyway, I’m in the midst of making some big life changes, but not “serious” enough that anyone needs to call 911. I never got to travel the world when I finished college or teach English in Japan because, well, my parents wouldn’t let me. Grumble. Grumble. (But somehow I managed to become a crazy performance artist who pulls stuff out of her puppet gaggee in public.) Go figure. And I’ve always regretted not knowing what life really had in store for me and what life was like beyond LA. I know I travel a lot now for work, but it can be kind of stressful, and for never a long enough time that I can really make a good reflection about my life ahead.
I really feel that I need to experience something bigger than art. To change my environment. It’s the perfect time in my life to do something like this because I don’t have kids, I’m still single, and my work doesn’t really require that I stay in one place.
I was going to go to a Buddhist monastery near San Diego for a weekend retreat but I was unable to get out of a workshop that I am supposed to lead here that weekend. URGH! So now… this bigger change looms up ahead.
And that’s all I can tell you about that. I’ve kind of mapped out what this change will be, but I am not going to tell anyone publicly. It is after all, Los Angeles, and good reveals are best left for the good premieres. And the magic of Hollywood is all about keeping people guessing.
But I welcome your guesses and suggestions on my new life change.
Anyway, I decided to put one of these obnoxious voice message recordings on my myspace page as an attempt to become a young teenage cyborg. Leave me a message!