I have a new favorite website… REGRETSY.com…. They basically take the most tasteless craft offerings on Etsy and rip them a new buttonhole. I laughed out loud at the above item they found for sale. I’m afraid my sadass yoga bag from a pair of pants will hit their list should I ever try to sell it.
I also appreciated their commentary on this plastic bag holder that looks eerily like a Wilt Chamberlain flaccid penis. Not that I know…
It was a half-assed Halloween. I was a doctor for Halloween (or as I like to say, “My family’s wet dream”). Seeing as that I am a living breathing year-round Halloween, I was so out of ideas on what costume to take on to the point that I contemplated doing what most adult women acting out on their unaddressed daddy issues do….stripping down to my underwear and saying it’s a costume. But even that seemed too exhausting.
It was suggested to me: “Why don’t you wear that crazy cop costume from Cuckoo’s Nest”?
(I almost puked at the thought of having to wear a costume from a show.)
It was also suggested to me: “Put a fake penis in your pants and tell people you are Kristina Wong!”
(Bleh… That’s so obvious…)
So I put on some scrubs and a lab coat. I don’t know why I own such things, but I do.
I am in super turbo mode trying to crank out massive amounts of content in a very short amount of time. I basically am getting my ass handed to me from Nov 10-15 when I’m to crank out 4 different shows in like five days in two cities. I’m still riding the adrenaline from doing five original shows in New York across five days. I feel like I can still output at that level. As exhausted as I am.
Somewhere between all of this I caught this interview with porn starlet Jesse Jane (it was feminist research… I swear…) who describes how she has branded herself and creates a demand through “exclusive” appearances.
I got it all wrong it seems. Unlike Jesse Jane, I don’t do just 6 or 7 contract films a year and then pick 6 or 7 clubs to exclusively appear at to make thousands of thousands of dollars. I’m like running around to every small and large theater across town, dropping my art pants for whoever will show up. And don’t get me started on how insane my gigs are during API Heritage Month… that’s like me trying to set some kind of gang bang record.
Nope. I’ve not been too good at the whole “aura of exclusivity” thing. It’s like, I’m an amateur porn star who makes movies with a crap home camera, then uploads them for free on xtube.
Oh Jesse Jane, the art world has so much to learn from you.
In considering the present degradation of mankind and the progress of the women’s movement reversed in just one episode of Rock of Love 2 (Really Bret Michaels? You’re giving the women coupons they can redeem to hang out with you? Really?! And why is that Katherine woman referred to as “old” when she is actually YOUR age?! Are you serious?)
AND seeing as that I’m addicted to these dating shows despite these infractions they have on my humanity, I’ve decided to jump into the degradation…. Network executives! I have a pitch that will be sure to increase your viewership among performance art aficionados, third wave feminist academics, and nasty old white pervies.
It’s A Shot at Love with Kristina Wong!
Synopsis: 36 beautiful men and women (mostly Korean) ranging from ages 22-80 move into Kristina’s 2 bedroom apartment in West LA for a chance to win the heart of this reclusive-yet-extroverted, neurotic-yet-sincere big bad Chinese cat lady. Each week, Kristina eliminates the unworthy, and those who remain will get a special crochet hook on a necklace ensuring another week in the apartment and the one ultimate shot at love with Kristina!
Week 1: Welcome to West LA! All the contestants get off the Santa Monica Blue Bus and drag their luggage two blocks past the corner liquor store and the loitering homeless on Santa Monica Blvd to move into Kristina’s apartment! The 36 all huddle into the living room where every imaginable sleeping area is claimed faster than you can say “Interdisciplinary Performance Artist!” Kristina rolls up in her pink benz to greet her future suitors in an outfit to die for– A hand crocheted poncho! All Koreans who show up get a “use-whenever” coupon to hang out with Kristina and are automatically moved to the next round creating racial tension in the apartment.
After a night of mingling over orange juice and bottle water, Kristina picks a handful of the unlucky who will not make the next round.
Week 2: Who is oppressed? And who can comment on it ironically?
Challenge: To find out who can most identify with Kristina’s work, she’s set up a challenge that will really put them in her shoes. Using only fake blood, a roll of toilet paper, and butoh movement, the contestants must convey their inner legacies of oppression by creating an improvised performance art piece. Bonus points awarded to those who can be self-referential. The winners get to go on a special bike date with Kristina and buy her sushi.
Week 3: The Cat Lady Cometh
Challenge: What would you do for Kristina’s love? In this challenge, massive piles of cat diarrhea and cat pee have been left in the apartment by Kristina’s cat Oliver. And the contestants who clean up the most wins a date with Kristina at nearby Stoner Park for a vegetarian BBQ that they will cook for her.
Week 4: Grant me a Future
Challenge: Kristina needs help writing a high stakes Rockerfeller MAPP Grant that needs to be postmarked by midnight. So all the contestants get a shot at writing Kristina’s grant. The strongest grantee wins a date with Kristina– a shopping spree at Ross Dress for Less! But here’s the challenge twist– every two minutes, one of Kristina’s friends will instant message with nothing important to say. Can they survive the online distractions, write the killer grant and get to the airport post office in time?
Week 5: Oil me up! Challenge: Seeing as the price of vegetable oil has now climbed higher than that of gasoline, Kristina sends her contestants to the back alleys of some of LA’s finest strip malls to find some fuel for her pink Benz. The contestants must pump and filter used cooking oil so that it is usable for driving. The one who returns with the most usable oil wins a date taking Kristina to the auto shop in Silverlake (where it was dropped off for yet another mechanical problem during the last episode) so she can actually put the fuel in her car.
Week 6: Can you tech Wong?
Challenge: This week’s special guest judge is Jen, Kristina’s theater technician that has toured with her on the road. Jen once teched Kristina’s show from behind the scrim– meaning she teched her show BLIND! Jen will do a crash course with the Wong-loving hopefuls on reading Kristina’s scrawly handwriting and how to read Kristina’s inconsistent stage cues. Jen will also offer tips on how to kick Kristina out of a pre or post show panic.
Whoever can best tech Kristina’s show after this crash course wins a special date to see the Wooster Group at the REDCAT.
But here’s the real twist– they won’t be teching the show in a theater but a cafeteria! Can they make it work?
Week 7: Oh the Yarns we Tangle
Challenge: Oh no! All of Kristina’s yarn stash has come loose and tangled. Even her really nice Rowan yarn. The contestants must untangle and re-skein the yarn so she can knit it. The winning fiber untangler gets to go on a date with Kristina to Wildfiber, Kristina’s favorite local yarn store in Santa Monica.
Week 8: Guess Who’s coming for dinner?
Challenge: The contestants are surprised when ex-Calvin Klein model and all over hot lesbian Jenny Shimizu shows up as surprise judge. Jenny grills the remaining hopefuls for their “creepy factor” screening out those with right-wing tendencies, lack of motivation, and an obscene collection of Japanese anime deemed as too creepy for Kristina’s love.
Drama hits the house when Jenny starts to come onto Kristina. After Kristina and Jenny engage in intense lovemaking, walk arm-in-arm past all of Kristina’s ex-boyfriends, and taking plenty of photo evidence to document it all, Kristina sends (heartbroken) Jenny on her way.
Week 9: Meet the Wongs The remaining three contestants fly to San Francisco where they will meet Kristina’s parents and extended family in what stands to be the greatest challenge yet– gaining the Wong Family seal of approval. Who’s FICA score is strong enough to withstand Mama Wong’s credit check? Who will survive Papa Wong playing Whitney Houston’s self-titled album on a loop for five straight hours?
Kristina eliminates one, and only two remain.
Week 10: Only One is Right for Wong Kristina takes the final two for a special getaway. No, not Miami…. not Jamaica… not Hawaii. But Sawtelle Blvd, a few blocks from the West LA apartment! Exotic! Kristina springs for dinner at Yashima’s where she worked as a hostess for a month after college (they still hook her up). There she asks the final two to put all their guns on the table and sing their best Karaoke renditions of a GnR song.
In a spectacular finale ceremony in Kristina’s carport that involves battery powered Christmas lights and fake flowers bought on clearance– the winner of Kristina’s heart is revealed.
It’s a sexy idea for a show isn’t it? Yes, I thought you’d agree.
Today, Americans stampeded the Malls across America like crazed rabies infected oxen. I instead made some progress on the afghan that I’ve been crocheting for my friends’ wedding later this year. It’s a tedious process, but I think They will appreciate the handiwork.
Here’s what I got so far. It’s about 4 feet long and I want to get it long enough to cover a twin bed.
They better appreciate it!
During Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt’s house, my father said to my uncle of their big flatscreen tv, “This TV is so old, why don’t you get a new one?” And I was like, “The TV works fine to me. It doesn’t seem old to me.”
Am I the only person who’s ok with having a used tube TV purchased for $50 from UCLA AV center? I remember getting that thing and thinking, “Wow, this is one big appliance. And it overwhelms the living room. And it sort of overwhelms living.”
I’ve also been thinking of getting the new Macbook because it would be fun to videochat. But I kinda like this computer now. It still works. There’s no rush to upgrade. I’m fine at chatting to icons of my friends. I don’t want to get so used to talking virtually, that I forget what it is like to hug and see each over a dinner table.
And my folks asked what I wanted for Christmas. We’ve been throwing so much stuff between our two homes. And I am trying to prepare for becoming a real estate mogul in Nebraska. All I could think that I needed was, “Nothing. I don’t want anything for Christmas. Really. I don’t want anything.”
That’s right. It’s late November and I’m still going pretty strong with my “Buy Nothing Year.” The pledge? To not buy any gifts, clothes, and basically stuff that takes up room that is not absolutely essential for living. I did slip if you count buying a month of “virtual assistance” for Colleen or some liquor and soap from Greece that I bought for friends. But when it comes to purchasing NON-PERISHABLE (ie JUNK) gifts– I have no receipts! And I did buy some yarn for the crochet bikini I have yet to finish (but you see, buying things that encourage creativity is ok!). In fact, I did a great job this year of getting rid of a lot of t-shirts and old clothes and crap. And I can do an even better job if I can get my act together to throw out more and more.
I want to get through this year to show folks everywhere that you are perfectly fine to not buy and that finding creative ways around shopping can be fun. I’ve also saved quite a bit money this year that will go towards my real estate empire.
Here’s the place where fate has tempted me. Imaginasian TV sent me a mysterious email invite to the grand opening premiere of their “Imaginasian Center” opening downtown next weekend.
They said in their email that:
“In attendance will be the nation’s most eminent Asian American celebrities, talents, athletes, and leaders. We would like to personally invite you to attend, as an important talent and leader in the entertainment industry. The event will feature a red carpet with coverage from mainstream and ethnic press.”
Did you hear that folks? I’m “important”! So important, that the invite came by email. But no matter. Also, no matter that later in the invite it says, “This invite does not guarantee entry.”
But anyway. This event is a big freaking deal-o for some and a chance for me to act like a dong at a big shindig. And the first thing I thought that I wanted to wear was a big ol’ crazy 80′s prom dress with bows and polka dots and taffeta. Turn that shit out, you know?
But then I had a better idea. I thought, what if I wore a crisp white pantsuit with a matching hat and a clear cane and pimped walk that event? YES!Since this “class” thing is not my forte, I thought I’d turn a corner and walk in like I owned the joint.
“Shock it” as the gals would say in high school.
I started to websearch for “white pantsuit” and “clear cane.” But then I remembered my wee little “Buy Nothing Year” pledge. And if I did buy a little pimptress outfit, I would be breaking my pledge. I would also break my pledge if I went to goodwill to buy an 80′s prom dress.
So the idea now is to see if anyone out there has such an outfit in my size (4-6) that I can borrow. Or see if someone on Craigslist has one to give away.
The other back-up idea is to wear this dress my friend Malia almost trashed that has been in my closet forever and tie a big bow around my head and still act dong-like and turn it into my own personal party. Maybe I’ll sew fabric together from the apartment and have a 30 foot train follow me.
Does anyone have a clear cane and white pantsuit for me? How about a really cute 80s prom dress?
I have an event to turn out and a buy nothing pledge to commit to.
(Oh that Kristina Wong, she always has got something to prove.)
Wow, last night was so weird. My friend Anida called me because I seemed so depressed over the cat pee thing on IM and we agreed that I had the right to have a crappy day and do nothing. Considering how hard I work, it was ok to spend a day of moping around the house.
And I always have my disgusting yarn stash to keep me company. Diana took a small bag of yarn off my hands. We are going to trade for headshots. I got enough yarn to trade for headshots until I can play elderly. These pics below only feature like 1/4 of my problem.
there’s a woman in stockton with carpal tunnel who liquidated all of this for pennies on the dollar to me. i couldn’t say no.
the sad stash tucked behind the couch.
the stash in my office.
So I have decided that it doesn’t matter that I’m still hot and in my 20s and am the cat pee yarn hoarding lady. So what if other people my age are dating other hot people and partying while I’m crocheting baby blankets and writing grants? Dammit! Having sex, or a relationship, or even friends is unnecessary when you have YARN!!! My life is awesome! And I’m happy being a big hermit with my crochet hook.
Nobody can hook a beanie with an I hook the way Kristina Wong can! I’m the best hooker, this side of my building! Long live the sexy crocheter!!!
Life is awesome. Being a single cat lady who owns a cat who pees on you is awesome! Yarn is awesome! and I AM AWESOME.