I have a new favorite website… REGRETSY.com…. They basically take the most tasteless craft offerings on Etsy and rip them a new buttonhole. I laughed out loud at the above item they found for sale. I’m afraid my sadass yoga bag from a pair of pants will hit their list should I ever try to sell it.
I also appreciated their commentary on this plastic bag holder that looks eerily like a Wilt Chamberlain flaccid penis. Not that I know…
It was a half-assed Halloween. I was a doctor for Halloween (or as I like to say, “My family’s wet dream”). Seeing as that I am a living breathing year-round Halloween, I was so out of ideas on what costume to take on to the point that I contemplated doing what most adult women acting out on their unaddressed daddy issues do….stripping down to my underwear and saying it’s a costume. But even that seemed too exhausting.
It was suggested to me: “Why don’t you wear that crazy cop costume from Cuckoo’s Nest”?
(I almost puked at the thought of having to wear a costume from a show.)
It was also suggested to me: “Put a fake penis in your pants and tell people you are Kristina Wong!”
(Bleh… That’s so obvious…)
So I put on some scrubs and a lab coat. I don’t know why I own such things, but I do.
I am in super turbo mode trying to crank out massive amounts of content in a very short amount of time. I basically am getting my ass handed to me from Nov 10-15 when I’m to crank out 4 different shows in like five days in two cities. I’m still riding the adrenaline from doing five original shows in New York across five days. I feel like I can still output at that level. As exhausted as I am.
Somewhere between all of this I caught this interview with porn starlet Jesse Jane (it was feminist research… I swear…) who describes how she has branded herself and creates a demand through “exclusive” appearances.
I got it all wrong it seems. Unlike Jesse Jane, I don’t do just 6 or 7 contract films a year and then pick 6 or 7 clubs to exclusively appear at to make thousands of thousands of dollars. I’m like running around to every small and large theater across town, dropping my art pants for whoever will show up. And don’t get me started on how insane my gigs are during API Heritage Month… that’s like me trying to set some kind of gang bang record.
Nope. I’ve not been too good at the whole “aura of exclusivity” thing. It’s like, I’m an amateur porn star who makes movies with a crap home camera, then uploads them for free on xtube.
Oh Jesse Jane, the art world has so much to learn from you.
Today, Americans stampeded the Malls across America like crazed rabies infected oxen. I instead made some progress on the afghan that I’ve been crocheting for my friends’ wedding later this year. It’s a tedious process, but I think They will appreciate the handiwork.
Here’s what I got so far. It’s about 4 feet long and I want to get it long enough to cover a twin bed.
They better appreciate it!
During Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt’s house, my father said to my uncle of their big flatscreen tv, “This TV is so old, why don’t you get a new one?” And I was like, “The TV works fine to me. It doesn’t seem old to me.”
Am I the only person who’s ok with having a used tube TV purchased for $50 from UCLA AV center? I remember getting that thing and thinking, “Wow, this is one big appliance. And it overwhelms the living room. And it sort of overwhelms living.”
I’ve also been thinking of getting the new Macbook because it would be fun to videochat. But I kinda like this computer now. It still works. There’s no rush to upgrade. I’m fine at chatting to icons of my friends. I don’t want to get so used to talking virtually, that I forget what it is like to hug and see each over a dinner table.
And my folks asked what I wanted for Christmas. We’ve been throwing so much stuff between our two homes. And I am trying to prepare for becoming a real estate mogul in Nebraska. All I could think that I needed was, “Nothing. I don’t want anything for Christmas. Really. I don’t want anything.”
That’s right. It’s late November and I’m still going pretty strong with my “Buy Nothing Year.” The pledge? To not buy any gifts, clothes, and basically stuff that takes up room that is not absolutely essential for living. I did slip if you count buying a month of “virtual assistance” for Colleen or some liquor and soap from Greece that I bought for friends. But when it comes to purchasing NON-PERISHABLE (ie JUNK) gifts– I have no receipts! And I did buy some yarn for the crochet bikini I have yet to finish (but you see, buying things that encourage creativity is ok!). In fact, I did a great job this year of getting rid of a lot of t-shirts and old clothes and crap. And I can do an even better job if I can get my act together to throw out more and more.
I want to get through this year to show folks everywhere that you are perfectly fine to not buy and that finding creative ways around shopping can be fun. I’ve also saved quite a bit money this year that will go towards my real estate empire.
Here’s the place where fate has tempted me. Imaginasian TV sent me a mysterious email invite to the grand opening premiere of their “Imaginasian Center” opening downtown next weekend.
They said in their email that:
“In attendance will be the nation’s most eminent Asian American celebrities, talents, athletes, and leaders. We would like to personally invite you to attend, as an important talent and leader in the entertainment industry. The event will feature a red carpet with coverage from mainstream and ethnic press.”
Did you hear that folks? I’m “important”! So important, that the invite came by email. But no matter. Also, no matter that later in the invite it says, “This invite does not guarantee entry.”
But anyway. This event is a big freaking deal-o for some and a chance for me to act like a dong at a big shindig. And the first thing I thought that I wanted to wear was a big ol’ crazy 80′s prom dress with bows and polka dots and taffeta. Turn that shit out, you know?
But then I had a better idea. I thought, what if I wore a crisp white pantsuit with a matching hat and a clear cane and pimped walk that event? YES!Since this “class” thing is not my forte, I thought I’d turn a corner and walk in like I owned the joint.
“Shock it” as the gals would say in high school.
I started to websearch for “white pantsuit” and “clear cane.” But then I remembered my wee little “Buy Nothing Year” pledge. And if I did buy a little pimptress outfit, I would be breaking my pledge. I would also break my pledge if I went to goodwill to buy an 80′s prom dress.
So the idea now is to see if anyone out there has such an outfit in my size (4-6) that I can borrow. Or see if someone on Craigslist has one to give away.
The other back-up idea is to wear this dress my friend Malia almost trashed that has been in my closet forever and tie a big bow around my head and still act dong-like and turn it into my own personal party. Maybe I’ll sew fabric together from the apartment and have a 30 foot train follow me.
Does anyone have a clear cane and white pantsuit for me? How about a really cute 80s prom dress?
I have an event to turn out and a buy nothing pledge to commit to.
(Oh that Kristina Wong, she always has got something to prove.)
The show went really well yesterday despite me feeling totally off the whole time. I got some standing O’s and felt like I didn’t deserve it (what’s new) because my energy seemed uneven.
It was so nice to sell out (the theater, not in life, mind you) on a Friday night and see who all slapped down 20 greens to see me strut my stuff. Thank you all.
And now I sit around the house doing nothing as I recharge for tonight’s show.
I thought I’d share another DIY project with you….
Kristina’s Bathmat de Ex-Partners
So, as I was on the plane back home from my crazy tour schedule, I made a list of things to do while I was home for six weeks. One of these things included…
“Crochet a bathmat for bathroom.”
Am I a party animal or what?!
So a few weeks ago, I was looking for clothes I wasn’t going to wear again and decided to crochet a bathmat out of old clothes and boxers (clean) left behind by past partners. I also crocheted some of my unmentionables (clean) into the mix.
I cut them into strips and started to crochet in a square. Talk about a ritual of turning the past into something utilitarian.
What a perfect way to step on the past every time I come clean out of the shower.