Blog Archive

Asian Pacific Islander Nervous Breakdown Month came early this year.

March 5th, 2007

If I can make it through the next two weeks before I leave for Philly, I’ll be ok. I need desperately to book my flights to the East Coast but Orbitz keeps freaking out about me trying to book a 10 flights in one month multi city tour.

Anyway, I am going to work out some stand-up tonight. And then do this thing tomorrow.

I also randomly got recommended by someone at Upright Citizens Brigade (who I never remember meeting) to the casting directors of this reality show for funny women, “Shelarious.” I normally never submit to these things, but this show sounds pretty good and like a ticket out of this touring madness. And they like me. I go in for a callback today. And now I’m finding myself in the throws of chaos trying to figure out how to the hell I’m supposed to be in a reality show when I have the world to take over and an apartment to tame.

This is insane.

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Category: Blog

The Glory Land

February 23rd, 2007

After torturing myself for 7 and a half days with no food. I find myself drinking soup.

I’m eating broccoli, very limp soaked broccoli. And beans.

Oh god, it’s so good.

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Category: Blog

The Master Cleanse is Making me deluriousssekadfasdf

February 17th, 2007

I had to share. Nothing is getting done today either.

On the bright side, I did figure out from some online research that Oliver probably doesn’t have a kidney problem. He has “territorial anxiety” as evidenced by where he is peeing.

Helena told me about this pet psychic lady who I’m seriously considering checking out because some of our friends swear by her. Apparently she can tell Oliver to stop peeing on my bed, or at least, ask him why he’s doing it so much. And she does it over the phone. But it’s not like I have to put the phone by Oliver’s ear. She talks to me because me and Oliver are psychically connected.

Am I nuts for seriously considering this?

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Category: Blog

The newest low

February 15th, 2007

I woke up this morning to Oliver peeing ON me in bed. No joke.

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Category: Blog

Happy Valentine’s Day from Cat Lady #1

February 14th, 2007

I knew it was going to be a great Valentine’s Day when this morning I woke up to go pee and saw that Oliver beat me to it as he peed on the futon in my office for the third time (fifth if you count how he took a dump there twice). I forfeited, and instead of trying to spray “Urine B. Gone” on it, decided to drag the stupid smelly futon to the dumpster.

Now my lovelies, I will enjoy sitting on the wooden frame in my office.

Yesterday, Diana came over and we started working on our fine art project. Basically, those really bloody Carrie stills she took will find a home in the gallery world. We are going to be releasing a limited number of enlargements and selling them to people who collect performance art stills. Our meeting somehow took a strange right turn as Diana noticed the huge boxes of yarn in the corner of the living room and screeched, “I wanna see what you have!” and she started to salivate through the hundreds of skeins of yarn tucked behind my couch. What made this so funny is that I was in my Pjs and Diana was wearing sweats and the sight of the two of us oogling and screaming at balls of yarn had to be the most charmingly pathetic thing ever.

Just now, I looked in the mirror and saw that my cheeks had broken out in zits. How did this happen? I feel like I’m in high school again. What happened to the beautiful lady who was on the cover of the Calendar section squatting against the side of her car? Where did she go?

I’m not quite sure what’s happened to me in the last two months. But despite all this self-help-the-secret-excuse-me-your-life-is-waiting-life-empowerment-stuff, I’ve managed to totally lose it and let myself go in other life arenas.

I am a cat lady. A lonely little cat lady with a lot of yarn and a great big blooming art career.

And as I have dinner alone tonight, with my cat, my laptop, my yarn, and my amazing career, I will be visualizing and manifesting the life I want. Because I swear, it’s almost already here. I can feel it.

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Category: Blog

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