A Shot at Love with Kristina Wong!
January 30th, 2008 → Leave a comment
In considering the present degradation of mankind and the progress of the women’s movement reversed in just one episode of Rock of Love 2 (Really Bret Michaels? You’re giving the women coupons they can redeem to hang out with you? Really?! And why is that Katherine woman referred to as “old” when she is actually YOUR age?! Are you serious?)
AND seeing as that I’m addicted to these dating shows despite these infractions they have on my humanity, I’ve decided to jump into the degradation….
Network executives! I have a pitch that will be sure to increase your viewership among performance art aficionados, third wave feminist academics, and nasty old white pervies.
It’s A Shot at Love with Kristina Wong!
Synopsis: 36 beautiful men and women (mostly Korean) ranging from ages 22-80 move into Kristina’s 2 bedroom apartment in West LA for a chance to win the heart of this reclusive-yet-extroverted, neurotic-yet-sincere big bad Chinese cat lady. Each week, Kristina eliminates the unworthy, and those who remain will get a special crochet hook on a necklace ensuring another week in the apartment and the one ultimate shot at love with Kristina!
Week 1: Welcome to West LA!
All the contestants get off the Santa Monica Blue Bus and drag their luggage two blocks past the corner liquor store and the loitering homeless on Santa Monica Blvd to move into Kristina’s apartment! The 36 all huddle into the living room where every imaginable sleeping area is claimed faster than you can say “Interdisciplinary Performance Artist!” Kristina rolls up in her pink benz to greet her future suitors in an outfit to die for– A hand crocheted poncho! All Koreans who show up get a “use-whenever” coupon to hang out with Kristina and are automatically moved to the next round creating racial tension in the apartment.
After a night of mingling over orange juice and bottle water, Kristina picks a handful of the unlucky who will not make the next round.
Week 2: Who is oppressed? And who can comment on it ironically?
Challenge: To find out who can most identify with Kristina’s work, she’s set up a challenge that will really put them in her shoes. Using only fake blood, a roll of toilet paper, and butoh movement, the contestants must convey their inner legacies of oppression by creating an improvised performance art piece. Bonus points awarded to those who can be self-referential. The winners get to go on a special bike date with Kristina and buy her sushi.
Week 3: The Cat Lady Cometh
Challenge: What would you do for Kristina’s love? In this challenge, massive piles of cat diarrhea and cat pee have been left in the apartment by Kristina’s cat Oliver. And the contestants who clean up the most wins a date with Kristina at nearby Stoner Park for a vegetarian BBQ that they will cook for her.
Week 4: Grant me a Future
Challenge: Kristina needs help writing a high stakes Rockerfeller MAPP Grant that needs to be postmarked by midnight. So all the contestants get a shot at writing Kristina’s grant. The strongest grantee wins a date with Kristina– a shopping spree at Ross Dress for Less! But here’s the challenge twist– every two minutes, one of Kristina’s friends will instant message with nothing important to say. Can they survive the online distractions, write the killer grant and get to the airport post office in time?
Week 5: Oil me up!
Challenge: Seeing as the price of vegetable oil has now climbed higher than that of gasoline, Kristina sends her contestants to the back alleys of some of LA’s finest strip malls to find some fuel for her pink Benz. The contestants must pump and filter used cooking oil so that it is usable for driving. The one who returns with the most usable oil wins a date taking Kristina to the auto shop in Silverlake (where it was dropped off for yet another mechanical problem during the last episode) so she can actually put the fuel in her car.
Week 6: Can you tech Wong?
Challenge: This week’s special guest judge is Jen, Kristina’s theater technician that has toured with her on the road. Jen once teched Kristina’s show from behind the scrim– meaning she teched her show BLIND! Jen will do a crash course with the Wong-loving hopefuls on reading Kristina’s scrawly handwriting and how to read Kristina’s inconsistent stage cues. Jen will also offer tips on how to kick Kristina out of a pre or post show panic.
Whoever can best tech Kristina’s show after this crash course wins a special date to see the Wooster Group at the REDCAT.
But here’s the real twist– they won’t be teching the show in a theater but a cafeteria! Can they make it work?
Week 7: Oh the Yarns we Tangle
Challenge: Oh no! All of Kristina’s yarn stash has come loose and tangled. Even her really nice Rowan yarn. The contestants must untangle and re-skein the yarn so she can knit it. The winning fiber untangler gets to go on a date with Kristina to Wildfiber, Kristina’s favorite local
yarn store in Santa Monica.
Week 8: Guess Who’s coming for dinner?
Challenge: The contestants are surprised when ex-Calvin Klein model and all over hot lesbian Jenny Shimizu shows up as surprise judge. Jenny grills the remaining hopefuls for their “creepy factor” screening out those with right-wing tendencies, lack of motivation, and an obscene collection of Japanese anime deemed as too creepy for Kristina’s love.
Drama hits the house when Jenny starts to come onto Kristina. After Kristina and Jenny engage in intense lovemaking, walk arm-in-arm past all of Kristina’s ex-boyfriends, and taking plenty of photo evidence to document it all, Kristina sends (heartbroken) Jenny on her way.
Week 9: Meet the Wongs
The remaining three contestants fly to San Francisco where they will meet Kristina’s parents and extended family in what stands to be the greatest challenge yet– gaining the Wong Family seal of approval. Who’s FICA score is strong enough to withstand Mama Wong’s credit check? Who will survive Papa Wong playing Whitney Houston’s self-titled album on a loop for five straight hours?
Kristina eliminates one, and only two remain.
Week 10: Only One is Right for Wong
Kristina takes the final two for a special getaway. No, not Miami…. not Jamaica… not Hawaii. But Sawtelle Blvd, a few blocks from the West LA apartment! Exotic! Kristina springs for dinner at Yashima’s where she worked as a hostess for a month after college (they still hook her up). There she asks the final two to put all their guns on the table and sing their best Karaoke renditions of a GnR song.
In a spectacular finale ceremony in Kristina’s carport that involves battery powered Christmas lights and fake flowers bought on clearance– the winner of Kristina’s heart is revealed.
It’s a sexy idea for a show isn’t it? Yes, I thought you’d agree.
I’m going to cry now and brush my cat.