Protecting the Vision

May 16th, 2007 → Leave a comment

I just got off the phone with Pearl J Park, a filmmaker in NYC who is doing a documentary on depression among APAs. She was interested in shooting the show in NY for her doc. I found myself getting into the old familiar rant that I’ve been getting into lately about how much I hate Q&As, how I resent being a “spokesperson” for all things traumatic and suicidal, how I resent being the “go-to” girl when you need to talk to someone “authentically mentally ill”.

Poor woman had to listen to me ranting about this. Poor me had to rant.

Also my dear readers, I don’t know if you are listening out there, but here I go again, screaming into the sky. I really appreciate your support, but please know I am DONE with adding new parts of the show. I don’t need to talk to any more depressed people. I don’t need to read any more articles. And I don’t need to be forwarded anything anymore. I appreciate you volunteering information to me. But I’m DONE.

PLEASE STOP SENDING ME ARTICLES, RECOMMENDATION ON DEPRESSED PEOPLE TO TALK TO, AND RECOMMENDATIONS FOR NEW SECTIONS ON THE SHOW.

AND NO. I’M NOT GOING TO DO A SHOW ABOUT ASIAN MEN AND DEPRESSION.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

One thing Pearl said on the phone is how important it is to protect our vision as artists and to protect ourselves. I look back at the last year of putting this show together and feel like the community has metaphorically raped me. I know… this is an extreme thing to say. But I feel like very few people in their interest in their show actually cared about what my artistic vision was, and instead have pushed their agenda on me to enact. I especially felt raped by my audience during my Q&As in the Bay Area. There I was up onstage, letting myself be vulnerable and miscontextualized. Being asked to expose my most private parts. And unable to say no or stop it. It was horrible.

I don’t ever want that to happen again.

I was asked once to be on a radio show where the topic would be depression and suicide among APAs. I said I was happy to come on and talk about my show and the tricky process of trying to make it. But they wanted me to come on as an “authentically suicidal woman” and talk about my non-existent “experiences of being suicidal.” NO THANKS! I’m not going to even begin to tell you how annoying and wrong that was.

Nurit, my director said, “You know, you get those questions, because you invite people to invade you like that. If you don’t want that to happen, then don’t do the Q&A.”

Leilani suggested that we put cards in the program and feedback can be written in those cards instead of asked during the Q&A.

I really feel it time to put my foot down. So from here on out. No more Q&As. We are scrapping the Q&A in LA. There’s no reason for them. I get nothing from them but grief. I’m totally incoherent during them. I’ll do them at schools, if they want them to be done and if there are enough moderators present. But no more fielding questions from people that serve no purpose but to agitate me.

***

And now… onto other less agitated news.

The folks at Lunapads found my blog and invited me especially to enter their commercial contest. I put this together in an hour.

I think I got a good shot of winning since there were only 6 entries.

I will win more cloth pads if I am picked. Yay.

My friend Alex in London did a response video. Ironically, his has more views than mine.

Now I have to go meditate because I’m agitated.

Category: art talk, artist life., lunapads, moon, vision

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