Nervous Breakdown Cometh
December 3rd, 2006 → Leave a comment
Last night I picked a friend up from the airport, and got on the 10 going the wrong way. I screamed, cursed, and then I started to cry. I could barely drive. I had to pull over and cry and let my friend drive.
Every night I have nightmares. Last night my nightmare was about getting pregnant and deciding to be a single mom, and then I realized I had a bunch of shows scheduled when the baby was due, and then I had to decide whether or not to abort the baby to go on with my career. It was horrible.
I’m looking forward to December 17th when these shows are done and over and I can just sit around my parents’ house and knit and watch TV and do nothing.
I tried going for a massage yesterday afternoon at this Thai massage place up the block and of course was placed between these two men who in their “cubicles” were making the loudest nastiest groaning noises imaginable. One guy started talking on his cell phone really loudly. Then his phone rang right in the middle of the massage. And then all these Thai ladies came by and were talking and talking. I was so not relaxed by it at all.
I know everyone has my best interests in mind, but I feel like I really am going to snap when people offer suggestions that just amount to more work and more pressure that I can’t deal with right now.
“You need to contact these people” or “Come hang out at my house when you are up there” or “Make sure you call these people at this paper.”
I can’t deal with it anymore. I really feel like I’m losing it. Why am I writing and performing a solo show? Why do I keep doing this? Why am I crying right now as I type?
And I cannot take reservations. I am sorry. Please call the box office for that.
And I can see it now. Next week, ten minutes before the show my phone will be ringing off the hook with people calling for directions or people calling to tell me they can’t make it. Why do people do that?
If you will be that person next week, please don’t. Don’t be the straw.
What I need to do, is make this show better. That’s all I want to focus on. I can’t worry anymore about press releases, press packets, courting this or that group. I just need to make the show better. I just need to make this show the best. I need to preserve my heart for this show. Whether or not people come.
I leave for the Bay Area tomorrow. Right now I feel like a mess. I can barely muster the energy to pack. I took a nap to relax and woke up dripping in sweat. I didn’t even recognize myself or my apartment.
I felt so alone and I just wished that I became a stock broker with my life.