Dear stalkers, please send yarn and money and go away.

November 24th, 2006 → Leave a comment

Now, I’ve had my fair share of stalkers. I’ve actually been surprised with the presence of bigbadchinesemama.com and this site that I haven’t had more weirdos contacting me, finding my number to call me or showing up at my shows… or my house! (By the way, this is not my invitation for you to do this.) I’ve had one person call me after looking up my domain name thinking nothing of it or how totally weird this was to call and talk to me like an old friend. I’ve had a handful of oddball admirers come to my shows after reading about me online. And I do get a small handful of emails that are people who seek me out as some kind of therapist.

But this new story takes the cake.

So I get a call from Lovecraft on Wenesday afternoon. That’s where I bought the veggie oil car from and they tend to not call me much.

Brian, the owner, says, “Hey Kristina, we’re getting packages from your stalkers now.”
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“What?” I say.

“Yeah, a guy came by with balloons and packages for you. Seems like he’s been enamored with your since the article in the Times came out. He asked if you were Korean,” Brian says.

“Jesus F-ing Christ,” I say, already imagining what this guy so fixated on my “Korean-ness” is like.

So basically, this older white/ Latino guy with a baseball cap named “Amando” or something like that was so fixated with me from the article three months ago, that he placed an ad in the Korean newspaper looking for me. (Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have cancelled my subscription to the Korean paper!) And he came into Lovecraft with all these Thanksgiving balloons and a present hoping they would pass it on for me.

Brian and Jason were telling me on the phone that he seems like an “old school” stalker, what with placing an ad in the paper and all. I mean if he really wanted to find me, he just had to google my name. There’s way too much info on the internet. And if he did find my site he’d realize the picture from the paper was just a once in a lifetime picture of me looking groomed with make up and fake lashes.

Jason, who works there asked me over the phone, “Hey! Can we open it?”

I said, “Sure, let’s see if there’s money or yarn in there.”

So Jason starts opening the package over the phone and it’s this whole yard sale of stuff. A tourist t-shirt from Texas, a teddy bear, a sun visor, a fairy pin. All sorts of strange stuff this guy thought would woo me.

I just kind of laughed it all off. It reminded me of how I used to stalk boys in middle school and what kind of gift I might put together to woo them.

And in an odd way I wasn’t too surprised because after the article came out I did get a bunch of weirdos on myspace writing me. But I just shooed them away and posted pics of me with no make up on. And pretty quickly they left me alone.

But the more and more I tell people about this. The more they start building fear in me.

“You better watch out.”
“You better lock your doors.”
“You better carry pepper spray.”

I have a better solution…

Attention stalkers! Please take note of the following. This is what I look life in daily life–

Also note.

1. As much as I don’t condone excessive violence, I will stab you in the eye with a knitting needle if you come close to me.
2. Keep placing ads in the Korean paper for me. I swear I’ll answer them. Just wait. Hold tight inside your home. Really. Even if it takes years for me to write you. And while you are at it. Try placing ads in the Armenian paper too.
3. Imagine that this shirt I’m wearing smells like cat pee. Yes, ’tis my geisha like reality.

Category: Blog

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