August 2nd, 2006 → Leave a comment

I’m in upstate NY now in a little town called Hamilton for the Creative Capital retreat. This retreat is freaking amazing. Tomorrow, about 40 of us grantees go into “Professional Development Program” where we learn top to bottom about working as an artist. Then on Thursday all these arts leaders and presenters from all over the world come in and we meet with them one on one.

I’m not quite sure where the hell we are. It’s so embarassing when I go to the East Coast and have no idea what state is the left or right of me. The bus ride from NYC this morning took 5 hours. But if you want any idea of just how UPSTATE I am….

This was actually at a pit stop in Pennsylvania.

A lot of these artists act so cool and casual about being here, I’m totally flipping out on the inside. But the heat is kinda keeping me at bay. We had an opening reception and I had a beer. I need to really just not drink at all this week. I’m not a big drinker in the first place and so when i did drink, I got really saucy really fast. I started talking all loud and telling these grantees from Kentucky about a confederate flag I saw on the bus ride over (like they would feel an immediate kinship to this).

It’s hot as hell out here. It was so hard to eat dinner. It’s like a sauna in the cafeteria. The staff has been so kind as to relocate a lot of sessions in air conditioned rooms.

I’m in my dorm room now. Well, ok, I’ll put it out there. I’m really sad now.

Not because of all that jealousy stuff I was talking about in my last posts, I’m over that. And I feel more in control of life now.

I’m sad because my partner and I have been really tested by all these new changes in my life and our relationship in the last few months. We have been having so many disagreements lately. Anyway, I feel really sad because I feel like we aren’t going to make it. Wow. I said it. I can’t believe I am talking about this kind of stuff on my blog (curse you Wes Kim for setting up this blogger where every vulnerable moment is so much easier to expose). But I feel so sad and alone now.

I’ve got to be the strangest girlfriend a person could have. My career is freaking weird, unstable, requires every ounce of my energy. I’m out of town almost 1/3 of the year, and as a person, I’m totally self absorbed, messy, neurotic, an inconsistent. My art is really personal and for a lot of people they don’t seem to be able to separate who I am to how I present myself in my work.

I look around at some of my artist friends and they either can’t stay in a relationship for long or have a partner who loyally follows them around, emotionally and physically waiting on them hand and foot. I don’t want the latter. I don’t know what the hell I want. But I’ve been feeling more and more confused at the what the heck a relationship is for. And I feel sometimes so consumed by my work these days, and yet it’s the happiest I’ve been in my whole life.

Anyway, I’m just going to lie in bed now. Thanks for listening. I feel a little better. Please drop a line if you feel like you have something to say to all this public confessing.

Category: Blog

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