Hey Jesse! (That’s what I thought the guy was singing for so long, not “Hey Jealousy”)
July 31st, 2006 → Leave a comment
Thanks everyone for writing me after my post on being jealous. So many of you had great things to say! I thought that I would write about it publicly to purge it from my body because I couldn’t even sleep a couple nights I was so jealous. To no avail. I am still jealous of other accomplished Asian women and in a sick way want them all to die so that I can be “the only one.”
What the hell? What 1/3 life crisis am I having?
Last week I felt all jealous and gross inside, now it’s waning as I get ready for my nice three week trip to NYC.
Ahh… a chance to relax. And de-tox from my jealousy.
So sad for an “art activist” like myself to really be so snippy like this, but the truth is, having been around performing artists of color, artists in general, and living in Los Angeles, I am not the only one who can get this consumed in jealousy. I am just saying it outloud. Putting it on the table. So many artists I work around always try to act so self righteous like they are so PC, so unconditionally supportive and happy for the success of others, and that they are so giving to the world with their art and vision– and then they’ll start spewing this hella hateful shit about other artists, it’s unbelievable.
I have been in so many conversations with other artists where they start attacking the politics and work of other artists. And it gets personal. Listening in and even participating in those conversations feels so downright shitty. And when it comes down to it, it’s all ego. It’s enough to make you never want to be an artist. Why subject yourself to the poverty of being an artist AND the backstabbing criticism from your colleagues? Why not just join the corporate world where you get paid a ton and can “go home” at the end of the day and at least for a moment escape being attacked?
Sure, there’s support in the artist community, but I tell you, when you get the grant that none of your colleagues got, they all start thinking and talking amongst themselves about why you shouldn’t have gotten it or what card you played to get it. Or how easy you got it. And then they congratulate you.
Ok, so I am exaggerating a bit. There are people who are genuine, kind, and supportive in the artist community. But it’s never 100%. We are all human after all.
I’m not being a scrooge. I’m just putting out the truth baby.
I think this is why I’ve gotten so into crafting this past year. If you’ve been following this blog, you know how much I love yarn, knitting, crochet, and I’m even getting into making felt dolls and pins. Here is one thing I made.
What I love about crafts is that whatever I make feels like it is all my own and it’s so nice to be creative and not worry about what my audience thinks, what the press thinks, if it will get me a grant– it’s just doing the work, making stuff that’s unique and soothing to make and brings happiness to a friend I give my work to. The crafting community is so much more supportive than the art world is to me. I think because there is pretty much nothing to gain financially. And we don’t have to fight for gigs in the crafting world, we just have to get to Michaels. There are knitting gods and sewing goddesses. There are old ladies who can crochet you under the table, wear big bulky ass cardigans, and are still sexy as fuck. And these patron saints of the crafting community? Nobody wants to kill them. (Well, maybe they do.)
It’s so nice to make stuff, just to make it. Nothing else.
And on that note, I go back to packing because my plane leaves in a few hours.