my screws are so loose that the wires are exposed

July 1st, 2006 → Leave a comment

I am having a big/little/medium sized panic attack.

I am going to leave the house in an hour to perform Fannie Wong at this art opening in Santa Barbara. The work is new video and photography from China, an exhibit that has actually been banned in the US. I think they think I am a big time performance artist. Which um, erm, yes, I am.

I spend the night in SB at the home of someone of the gallery’s Board of Directors. Then I drive to San Francisco in Old Baby/Harold (that’s the name of my pink veggie oil car) to go to a week long writer’s residency. But this is on my plate just this month of July… there’s no time to breathe!

— performance today in SB
— drive to SF
— read 200 pages of creative writing
— read 350 page book
— get my writer’s ass kicked at writer’s residency
— hang out with my grandfather
— write stuff for poetry reading in Mission District
— do poetry reading in Mission
— have meetings with La Pena about my show in December
— drive back down to LA
— rehearse, write, tech show at REDCAT
— make parents who are visiting and watching show down here happy
— do REDCAT show
— write stuff for Ford Amphitheater show
— do Ford Amphitheater show
— pack for NY trip in August

And don’t even get me started on August! Yesterday I got an email from Creative Capital with names of people I can choose from to have meetings with and panels to go to at their retreat in NY August 1-6. The people I can meet with are so top shelf, I feel so intimidated. I freaked out last night, and my partner wasn’t home to help me calm down. So Vince and I went to eat Ethiopian food, and all the while I screamed about how I was feeling like Jesus.

(Doesn’t make sense? Yeah, welcome to my world).

So anyway, now I am prepping pics of me as Fannie Wong to autograph. This performance piece is so old, so low-brow, so dead and buried but somehow the occasion strikes to resurrect it. I thought it would be a perfect fit for this show since I was originally supposed to be on a panel on “performing identity.” I’ve done Fannie so much, even at art openings, but never a fancy schmancy high brow one. I feel a little sheepish at doing this at the SANTA BARBARA CONTEMPORARY ARTS FORUM. I feel so tacky. So low brow. Like instead, maybe I should be covering myself in sand and paint really slowly. Or moving around in a circle naked with just a rope on. You know, arty shit. I’m nervous they’ll hate me. I’m worried they’ll think I’m ruining the whole thing.

As these big things are happening all around me, I’m beginning to feel insecure… unsure of myself. Not sure if I am who I say I am. Or if I can handle all this work. Hmmmm… maybe I shouldn’t be writing about this publicly….

Oh god, can I just make it through this summer alive?

Category: Blog

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