Just give me the Pulitzer already.
May 5th, 2006 → Leave a comment
Playgirl Magazine asked me today to write their Horoscope Column for an upcoming issue. Sure, I don’t know my Libras from my Virgos or what the F “mercury in retrograde” means– but they think I’m a freaking riot and that’s what matters. Apparently, I am sexy and funny and people will read the astrological predictions I yank from my ass!
And you know what rocks even harder? I’m getting paid! I think I am getting more for this gig that any other writing gig in a while. My dream of being a hack astrologist for a porn magazine read mostly by gay men and suburban housewives has finally come alive. My grandparents’ heartwrenching journey by boat to America so many years ago has finally been made worth it. I look up and see my grandmother, smiling at me from heaven– so proud that her grandaughter’s writing will share the same binding as a guy with a really long schlong.
Finally, my BA in English from UCLA, my never finished MFA in Creative Writing, and all those writing fellowships are going to be realized in literary brilliance like this…
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Hey freaksauce! This is the month to chuck your vanilla for the horsey butt plug, those crotchless panties, and the scary-as-hell double dong. Just play it safe and don’t record anything. After this month, it’s back to straight lacing, so live it up while the stars are on your side!
Maya Angelou– eat your heart out!