You may have gotten Bush elected, but bitch, I got your tampons…
January 19th, 2005 → Leave a comment
Screw all ya’all who say that Kristina Wong is all talk and no action. Why ? Because I am in Washington DC right now tearing up the town for inaugruation. I flew in this morning and the first thing I said when I stepped off the plane was, “Oh my god.”
Why? Because it’s snowing and it is less than 20 degrees out. That’s why. No wonder all those pilgrims died. They settled on the wrong side of America. Good thing I went and bought thermal underwear yesterday. Actually, I went everywhere looking for it. I went to Marshalls and they didn’t have it– I think that counts as “everywhere.” I ended up going to Army Surplus for it, they were the only ones in Los Angeles who sell thermals. It was so crazy, my air conditioning was on last night before I left, and now the heat at my friend Reina’s house here in DC is in overdrive.
It’s cold here, but not as bad as San Francisco over winter break. For some reason that felt colder. Mostly because my parents are misers who don’t turn on the heat and I spend winter breaks there sleeping in a fetus shape, crying for the pain to be over.
Anyway, it’s pretty exciting to be here. I’ve never flown somewhere to be a part of a demonstration. But I figure, in the 60′s the hippies all jumped into vans and drove to California. So what’s the equivalent of that in 2005? I guess it means to take time off of work, fly to DC to protest inaugruation, and then go back to work on Monday. My boss is cool, I was scared he’d get mad that I was taking some time off of work to be here, but turns out he’s going to be here too for some meetings and to protest. That’s what’s great about working for a non-profit– we’re all being fucked by the man and when it comes to activism, taking time off is just part of helping everyone keep their job.
I’m here to do some street actions with the Billionaires for Bush, they are having a huge national convergence this weekend where in a “strategic planning” type mode we try to figure out new pranks to play on the right.
So, anyway, I am staying with Reina. And tonight the only actions that we knew of via the web was an action that Code Pink was doing with some of the Billionaires to protest at this thing called “The Black Tie and Boots Ball”– basically a big party with scary ass Texas Republicans at a swanky hotel. Dubya even made an appearance early on in the evening at this ball.
Reina was dealing with her ingrown toenail and so we weren’t able to go to the Code Pink action when it started. Instead we got there two hours later when there were only trickles of Code Pink activists left who said they were freezing and going to leave since they’d been out there protesting for two hours already. They also said a bunch of the Billionaires had just left. There were some college kids hanging around, maybe protesting, but not really. There were also a handful of activists on the street corner. No signs, some had buttons on, not very visible. They would shout things to the partiers going in like “Hey, people died, enjoy the party.” Not much of an oppositional presence that I could tell. Many of the people attending the party were dressed in cowboy hats and ball gowns. Some of the women were looking so dumb, walking around the wet snowy streets in strappy heels, slipdresses and NOOOO jacket. I was wearing a thick fur coat and a skirt with tube socks and two layers of long undies under my sequined gown.
So like a good activist who was all dressed up, I held my sign up proud. The only billionaire in sight. I screamed to the partiers as they went in, “Hey, good golf game last week!” and “Don’t let these liberal activists here get you down, bloodshed and death are just euphemisms for ‘profit’!”
Some dodo liberals got mad at me because they thought that I was a real republican. One lady seemed to get what I was doing but started to try to get into an argument with me like I was really oppressing her. That was weird and freaking me out a bit. But the press went nuts. I think they were all independent press, and at one point I had three cameras rolling on me.
It was kind of crazy that nobody was keeping an eye on the demonstrators below the hotel (where we were). Had there been more of us, we could have really gone nuts. Like really nuts, and made a huge impact. There just wasn’t enough security outside the hotel in my opinion. Something we could have really taken more advantage of.
At the point when I was screaming at the top of my lungs in the street, “I’m rich! I’m rich! And I love to golf!” to the people entering the party, I realized that no security type folk gave a shit what I was doing. There were however, some lame-os who gave me the finger and said, “Get a Life” to which I responded, “I’m rich like you!”
So I climbed the side of the hill by the hotel, in my sequined dress mind you, and screamed some more at a higher vantage point about how filthy rich I was to the people entering the party below. It was so nuts. I was like this deranged creature. I love it.
Anyway, after a while we were tired, Reina was like, “Let’s go.” The crowd entering had died down and I had run out of stuff to scream about and we were both tired anyway. But I needed to pee and was like, “I’m going to see if I can pee in the hotel.” So I left Reina outside with my cameras and sign and went looking for an entrance to the hotel to go pee. The only entrance was the party’s entrance where people were checking in, getting wristbands, and being checked meticulously to enter.
So basically, without a ticket, dressed like a big dumbass, I walked in. Right past the security, trailing along behind a couple going through the revolving doors, through the metal detectors and right into the party. I couldn’t believe it.
I actually crashed a party!
(an ariel view of the horror.)
Of course, I didn’t have my camera on me when I was in there. And there was no way that Reina would be able to meet me inside with my camera. I did have my phone with a camera to try to capture some of what I saw. But my pics are pretty blurry. It wasn’t a big deal. It was just like feeling like a mole at a really strange convention where there was a lot of botox and people dressed up in cowboy hats. Oh yeah, and they were all Bush supporters from Texas– the scariest kind.
I got in line for the bathroom. I overhead a conversation a woman was having about when her father first met Bush.
(here i am in line.)
I felt so totally conspicuous. I was wearing a cheapass plastic tiara with feathers on my head, I have unsophisticated pink highlights in my hair, a ridiculous blue fur collar, a huge vinyl gold tote bag that my mom got as a freebie from a jewelry store, two sets of long underwear and knee highs hanging out from the slit of my sequined silver skirt, and pink polka dot galloshes. And to top it off, I was like one of three Asians there at this huge event.
Then I looked around at the women in line for the bathroom. And it hit me like a brick why it was so easy for me to get in.
BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL DRESSED TACKIER THAN ME. These women were horrendous fashionistas. Do a yahoo search for photos and see for yourself. It was too easy for me to get in considering.
So anyway, I went to pee and someone left a corset hanging on the bathroom door, I ran out to the bathroom and called out “Someone left their corset”, putting it on the sink. Then I peed.
I was trying to think of what I could do to really take advantage of the fact that I got into this party. I had to leave soon, because Reina was freezing outside waiting for me. So how could I take advantage of my being an unwanted guest at this party to make a political impact?
Here are some of the ideas I came up with while peeing…
– Flood the toilet by flushing all the TP down so that the lines in the bathroom are even longer and the women have to deal with a puddle in the bathroom. (nah, that might backfire on me and I’d just get in trouble.)
– Create a huge scene, stand on a table and start praising John Kerry. (nah, don’t have the guts, plus could get arrested and miss tomorrow’s events)
– Drink all the alcohol at the party so that nobody has anything to drink (nah, would pass out after two beers, then Reina would really get mad at me.)
– Steal someone’s purse and ruin their night and life (nah, that’s not right.)
I washed my hands. Noticed the corset I placed on the sink counter was still unclaimed. Also I noticed that there was a huge basket of toiletries put out as a courtesy to the women.
In one frantic retalitory motion, I grabbed the corset, threw it into my big gold totebag, then swept all the tampons (about 6 of them) in one pass into my bag as well. Then I stormed out of the bathroom.
I still remember the women as I left, their eyes asking, Did that Asian lady just throw the corset and all the tampons in her purse?
As I left the party into that frosty DC night, I thought about all those Texas republicans at the party who might be menustrating, who would spot all over their fine silk dresses without those tampons, or who would have conspicuous bulges in their dresses for the rest of the night, having to rely on pads to protect them. Yes, that’s what they get for supporting Bush. No Kotex for them. Not if I could help it.
(me holding the goods)
Reina was waiting for me in the underground stop. I came down the escalator like Homer did after being at war for 30 some odd years. My eyes a new glow from what I had just seen up at that razzle dazzle hotel party. I held the corset and tampons up to her like a proud warrior back from fighting in the fields. They were my bounty. My warprize. The kill from the hunt.
She nodded, proud. Approving of my heroics.
Then she said, “Let’s go home now. I’m tired.”
Wish me luck tomorrow. More mischief to be made. We auction off Social Security at the FDR memorial at 10am, attempts to join the inaugural festivities, then a Billionaires Ball at night.