December 26th, 2013
Prepare for my circle jerk of one. I hate it when people humblebrag, but screw humility, I earned this.
For the last few years, I’ve wanted off the hamster wheel of live touring. I wanted to build a bridge into a stronger (more sustainable?) Hollywood career which would leverage my skills to a bigger audience. “Taking a break” from the road means taking a pay cut. That’s not easy when you are a homeowner (3 years now!).
Exhaustion forced me to take fewer gigs this year and renew myself. I finished the improv training program at UCB, took a sketch and screenwriting class. I spent time outputting essays and short videos. The pay off for that transition has been AMAZING. I had a rough patch between April and late May when a financial planner (who was basically my parents reincarnated into a Jewish Lesbian) forecast doom and gloom in my retirement years if I continued my freelancer’s existence. It was a big enough scare that I started looking up nursing schools to apply to. But miraculously, in the last six months, the world threw me enough signs to stay the course.
13 Greatest Hits of ’13.
1. My play ran for three weeks in Miami!
I kicked off the New Year in Miami where my play CAT LADY was produced by Miami’s Mad Cat Theatre Company (Artistic Director: Paul Tei) and ran for three weeks to rave reviews. My parents came to Miami to see the show! I rarely get to run any of my shows over several weeks so it was a treat to get to live in Miami that long and see the show re-envisioned by a new cast and director. It was also interesting to revisit that work after a year break from its previous production.
2. I returned to the UK and did shows in Manchester and London.
After last year’s (really tiring) run at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, I reaped in two show offers in Manchester at Contact Theatre and a show at the BGWMC in London. It felt great to be back in the UK! I also got some time off to explore Berlin and Amsterdam.
3. I took my public adoration of Jeremy Lin to a whole new (possibly illegal) level.
I have a history of crashing the Red Carpet as Fannie Wong Former Miss Chinatown Runner Up. But at this year’s LAAPFF premiere of LINSANITY (The Jeremy Lin Documentary), it seemed necessary to let my man know that I was serious. Just because I have not met Jeremy Lin doesn’t mean I can’t consummate our marriage.
4. My self-marriage was saved by the nose of a dog.I have no clue how people stay married for so long because I had been married to my wife, Kristina Wong for 5 years and have wanted to strangle her multiple times throughout our tumultuous self-marriage. On our 5th anniversary, I put our marriage up for public vote. The votes for divorce or staying together were tied. And thanks to a tie-breaking dog vote, my marriage was saved.
5. I stopped dating losers.
Somehow losers come to me like hoarders to a yard sale. I am guilty of being lazy, frustrated, and complacent enough to keep them around. Can you blame me? The dating pool in Los Angeles, especially of those candidates brave enough to date a traveling badass performance artist like me is polluted with loserinos. I finally decided on a zero tolerance policy on people with anger issues, no ambitions, extreme brokeness, or an inability to commit. And with that change, everything got better. In all parts of my life.
6. My essays went viral.
I thought the world was over talking about race. Nope. All that is old is new again.
9 Things Said by Asian Fetish Guys in Denial
8 Reasons People of Color must Rally for a Long Overdue White History Month
With the exception of two transgressions in Amsterdam and Uganda, I’ve now been sober for two years. I knew I would continue on this non-alcoholic journey but wrote the following essay as if I really needed public input. It didn’t got as super viral as the other two essays, but it’s good writing. READ: I Miss Being a Drunk.
7. I made a bunch of shorts.
In Los Angeles, the dismissive advice given to artists is: “Make some videos and put them on Youtube.” Yes, it can be done, it’s also totally exhausting and a lot of work. Below… my work…
Inside the Background Actors Studio…
What’s the Worst Thing you Can Call a White Person?
Levy Tran Explains Racism (Colorlines called it a “Brilliant Takedown…”)
8. I killed it on FXX’s Totally Biased.
The Asian Fetish essay I wrote for xoJane caught the attention of the staff at FXX Totally Biased! I’ve decided that any time I get invited to do TV, I must treat it like the last invite I’ll ever get. I flew to NYC to shoot the show and laid down the best Five Minutes and Fifty-Eight seconds of late night TV ever seen.
9. I have an awesome new Hollywood manager who gets me!
It turns out that the executive producer of Totally Biased (who is also Kamau’s manager) had been a longtime fan of mine since my fake mail order bride site in 2000! She even saw Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest live in 2008. After my TV appearance, she took me on as a client. So far it’s been great! I’m already working with a cool college booker and have some amazing network meetings lined up next year! And whereas other Hollywood managers have not always been able see how my live work translates to TV/Film– she gets me and has a ton of ideas for the future. It’s really great.
10. I made a rap album in Uganda.
My rap album is for sale at http://kristinawong.bandcamp.com!
Not only did I go to Uganda by myself for a month, I made a rap album with local rappers while there. “Rap Album in Uganda” was never on my bucket list, but after this feat, I can die happy!
11. My film was picked up for distribution by Cinema Libre.
My director Mike Closson and I worked so hard to make this film happen. Our new distributor at Cinema Libre carries some amazing documentary films. We are glad to be a part of that family!
12. I spit on TV and told white ladies to suck it. And it was political.
In our new age of news media, I have been declared an expert on “White Guys with Asian Fetish” and when courted to be an expert interviewee for the above interview, I threw it down. Full force.
13. I booked a co-star role on a Nickelodeon Kids TV Show.
Outside my trailer at Paramount Studios.
In my ultimate Bob Saget moment, I capped off a year of raunchy, political commentator work and booked a co-star role on a squeaky clean children’s TV show pilot. I had to fill out standard background check (so the production could confirm I wasn’t a criminal or pedophile). Even though I’ve had no brushes with the law (surprising, no?) I ran to the first AD and asked in a panic, “Will my non-pornographic Youtube video of me spitting and telling white ladies to suck it get me in trouble?” He patted me on the back and said, “You should be ok.”It was a ton of fun! And I look forward to this pilot getting picked up and airing forever and ever.
14. The LA Times interviewed me for a profile story.
My TV appearance on Fusion caught the attention of the LA Times who upon web search found this site and the large body of work I’d been making over the last decade. We did a three hour interview and the reporter even interviewed my friends. That profile should run soon!
Anyway, that’s the brag-a-thon. And if I have my choice, it’s going to keep going. 2014, let’s do this.
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November 18th, 2013
This is the Capitol Records of Uganda. This is where I became an international hip-hop star.
I’ve been home in America for three weeks, unscathed after my month in Uganda. Despite popular concern (from people who had never been to Africa before), I did not get killed, raped or kidnapped during my trip. But thanks everyone for your concern that the tragic mall bombing in Kenya that happened the week prior to my arrival had somehow affected me in across the border in a totally different country.
It was a month so overwhelming that I could barely compose my thoughts. Thanks to Facebook, I never felt alone or without my critics. There are more details I can offer of my whole trip, but I need to put my energy towards my big presentation at the Annenberg Community Beach House on Tuesday. It will be the first presentation I make to shape my newest solo show “The Wong Street Journal”.
Here are ELEVEN of the many Things That Happened When I Went to Uganda Last Month.
1. I recorded a rap album and you can buy it.
My album is on sale now! http://kristinawong.bandcamp.com/
I went to Uganda thinking I *might* meet local artists for future collaboration. I had no idea that I would write and record a multilingual rap album in three weeks with local rappers in Northern Uganda. I met them by accident when looking for street food one night. They still play my songs on the local radio and in the clubs! Yep, I can die now.
Nerio the producer is a great new friend and I promised him I would try to get him the refurbished equipment necessary to start his own music studio and forward him all proceeds from this album. When you buy the album on bandcamp, you will automatically be able to download liner notes designed by Brooklyn’s Chris Yun that tell the story of how I came to become the “Vanilla Ice of Uganda”.
2. I broke my sobriety.
This is me falling off the wagon in order to be culturally sensitive.
At my hotel in Gulu the second night, I was eating with two Ugandan men from my hotel. They were telling me how in Uganda, I am considered to be a “Mzungu”– a swahili word used to describe a “white person”. There is no Swahili word apparently for “third generation Chinese American”. The men offered to buy me a beer. I refused explaining that I had been sober for almost two years. Jackson (one of the men) said, “In life, there is a start and end to everything.” Then Jackson flies into a story about this white woman he met who was very ungrateful and disrepectful to him. My white guilt was too much for me to handle, and I threw back a brewsky.
3. I gained weight.
This was the expensive $5 hotel dinner (Tilapia and chips) that I indulged myself in my first two nights in Gulu.
Despite all the images we saw in the 80s of starving babies covered in flies with distended bellies, there was no shortage of food around me in Uganda. I wasn’t sure what to expect because the Travel list that WGEF gave me told me to pack peanut butter and Clif Bars. Would there be a protein shortage? Would I go to sleep hungry?! No, not really. There are many places to eat and food is cooked up all over the street. A meal at a local’s restaurant is as low as $1. This is not to say that the poorest of Uganda are not food insecure– because that’s definitely an issue, especially in the urban slums in Kampala. But my theory that I’d somehow lose weight over there was not at all the case because Ugandan food can actually make you big.
4. I had multiple requests for marriage and matchmaking.
Rapper Festo Wine asked me to take a picture where I look into his eyes with love. See my eyes? That’s apparently me in love.
I may no longer be a spring chicken in Hollywood, but in Gulu, Uganda I was the hottest thing on the unpaved block. It was like money was glowing off my skin. I’d get asked if I was single or had single friends very quickly after meeting someone. I guess OkCupid just happens in the streets of Uganda. If any of my American lady friends want a Ugandan husband, I got you.
5. I had two chicken dresses made and a matching purse to exert my first world privilege.
You damn right I had a chicken dress custom made with a matching purse. For $12 this was my first world privilege in full force!
If you know me, you know how much I multitask. So having a whole month to research and work on one focused project felt pretty uncharacteristic of how I operate. Hence, why I found myself running a side project of a rap album and spending spare moments getting chicken dresses made for $6! Fabric was about $6 and the matching purse was $3. It felt admittedly good to be a woman of privilege for the custom made chicken dress alone.
6. I smuggled drugs in my butt across the globe.
This is as close as I get to Breaking Bad.
As an American in a third world country, it is my duty to smuggle cheap pharmaceuticals for my uninsured friends in America. When my good friend was panicking about how pay for her heart medicine, I offered to check local pharmacies and found her medicine for $6/month in Gulu– less than what it would cost me with an insurance co-pay. I bought her a year’s worth.
Being a lousy drug smuggler, I left evidence of how I bought out a pharmacy all over Facebook. A friend who saw the post forwarded me this alarming USA Today article about how drugs in third world countries are counterfeit and filled with poison. That gave us a good scare. I talked to some friends in Uganda who said, “That’s silly, we’d all be dead if these were fake drugs.” I made it through customs, my friend has been taking the pills, and now she can stay healthy without going bankrupt.
7. I got an idea of what it’s like to be that white guy in Miss Saigon.
This is what it is like to be the popular white girl.
This is going to be hard for a lot of Americans and even activists of color to believe… but when you get to Uganda, you are white. WHITE. Yes, even if you are Latino. Yes, even if you are Asian. Yes, even if you are Middle Eastern. Yes, even if you are “brown” in America, you are white in Uganda. I didn’t get to talk to enough African Americans in Uganda to understand how they were contextualized in Uganda, but my guess from talking to Calvin, who is half Kenyan half Ugandan and says he is treated as an outsider, is that African Americans would definitely not be able to “pass” as locals. I can’t describe it to a T, but being a foreigner in Uganda means you are easy to spot as “an outsider.” And being an outsider who has come to Uganda (of all the places you could travel to) implies you have money and power.
Because of the history of Westerners coming to Uganda to build businesses or give aid, that sense of privilege was given to me, a playwright and volunteer. No joke, by American standards, I am pretty poor right now. But in Uganda, I felt like the most spoiled richest woman as I had dresses made for $6 and ate $5 dinners without blinking an eye.
And with my new found whiteness came a really uncomfortable power. In some situations I would have several children at once run up to hold my hands like I was magical. I had love letters written to me by village children who I had barely interfaced with but who had followed me and figured out where I worked. Even a small number of my own Ugandan friends would ask me out of nowhere to give them my IPad or money or buy them things. I would often feel guilty around the staff of the organization I worked with because the cost of my hotel at $35/night over 3 weeks could easily cover the operational expenses for our organization for a month. I know, because I was reminded frequently of this. And very quickly, I became accustomed to being referred to as a “white person.”
8. I met some truly amazing women.
Women4Peace Award winner Aol Josephine (3rd from left) and the women of her community at the Women4Peace Awards dinner.
I went to Uganda to work with Women’s Global Empowerment Fund and learn about the local economy and microfinance. When I got to Gulu, I learned that WGEF is actually a partner organization to VAC-NET, an organization founded in Gulu by Bukenya Muusa, a Ugandan. WGEF and VAC-NET put on a Women4Peace Award dinner and a Women’s Drama Festival– two events that I would assist with. My first day in the office, Bukenya told me that my task was to read all the nomination forms and pick the winner since I was an “outsider” with no bias. It was very humbling to read about one woman Naima Evelyn who had been abducted by the LRA and returned from the bush ten years and four children later to help other women. I read about other women who had created story circles to support women in the aftermath of war, some working with HIV+ mothers in prison. How do you choose a winner?
9. I went rafting off a waterfall on the Nile.
Yes, I’m on that raft and no, we didn’t flip.
I couldn’t afford to do gorilla trekking (on the travel list of “things to do before you die”) at $1600, but I did do a few less expensive tourist excursions to the natural beauty of Uganda. Trying to do touring things out of Northern Uganda was a bit of a logistical nightmare as it’s not really set up the way Kampala is for tourists. I was happy to be a big dumb tourist and pay $125 for Grade 5 Rafting on the Nile because it meant no negotiating of transport or housing and my food was provided! My back was pretty sore after, but happy to get these experiences in while my body can still do it.
10. I helped the organization I volunteered with by raising money for a generator.
Thanks to some generous friends at home, VAC-NET was able to purchase a much needed generator to keep the office going during the frequent power outages in Gulu. And of course, the generator arrived by boda!
I didn’t realize how frustrating it would be to work with the available technology in Gulu. Many of the computers in the VAC-NET office were infected with viruses, none of them were networked together, and none of the desktop computers could get online. They were also PCs which are so counter intuitive to how my mac head works. To make things worse, the frequent power outages meant that our work would disappear if we didn’t save and we would be sitting on our hands for days waiting for power to go back up. I asked some friends at home to contribute towards a power generator in our office and they responded in force! There was well over $500 raised for the generator and the extra will go towards the fuel and maintenance. Now the office is able to increase their output in all situations.
11. I have a whole different perspective on charity and aid.
This small store is the size of a bathroom but was able to start with the help of a microloan from Women’s Global Empowerment Fund and VAC-NET. The original owners are no longer with the store but this store has remained in this community through several owners.
You know how people say to not give money to homeless people because it will just encourage them to keep begging? The relationship of Western NGOs (Non-Governmental Orgs/ Charities) to this part of the world has created a similar precedent that has made people become so accustomed to handouts, that when the NGOs leave, people haven’t been motivated to work, and end up needing aid again. Those kids running up to me like I had some magic to give them? That was all residual effects of Western charity. But what I wish people could see is how much pride and willingness there is to work. I think Americans think that donating old clothes or giving food is the end all of poverty, but really, those are very short term solutions. I think it is about giving people the tools to work to their best potential. Education, teaching small farming skills, and giving microloans to start small business is where it’s at.
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September 19th, 2013
In my first two minutes of being on television last Monday, I managed to do the following:
1. Scream like a Price is Right Contestant who just won the Showcase Showdown.
2. Belly Bump the host.
3. Scream, “I’m on TV!”
4. Say, “White people say a lot of stupid shit.”
And of course… my six minutes in heaven only gets more insane. TV is a lot of fun and unlike theater, everyone really is trying to make you look good, and can do all sorts of stuff in pre-interviews and editing to make sure of it.
The same day this aired, xoJane ran my essay on “8 Reasons People Of Color MUST Rally For A Long Overdue White History Month”. (Shocker. White People think I’m ruining their lives.)
I have so many more pictures and thoughts. But I’m trying to stave off a nervous breakdown right now. I am back in LA frantically trying to pound out two grant applications and pack for a five week tour of Africa. I am not prepared at all. Right now I have a pile of hand sanitizer on my dining table and that’s it.
I just booked an Airbnb place in Istabul for my long layover trip. I really hope I pull this off. My shoulder hurts from stress. At least I’m a TV star.
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