THE WONG IN REVIEW FOR 2014….

December 26th, 2014

It’s been a tumultuous year in the world.  On the bright side, my mother has stopped nagging me that I need to be “more like Bill Cosby”.

Allow me to do a circle jerk of one as I offer 15 more highlights from my 2014…

 

1.  Got to live out my secret dream of being a reality tv star!

I didn’t flip any tables. But I turned some tables on yellow fever dudes with HILARIOUS RESULTS.  This episode is the most watched on MyxTV!  And yes, you can only watch it from a desktop or laptop.

2.  Marched for 4.5 hours, across 10.5 miles because #BlackLivesMatter

So much of the last two years have had me re-evaluating my work and relationships with the Black community (both in America and Uganda), considering what privilege I have even as someone who is of a marginalized identity here, and what privilege I can cede to recenter the most silenced of voices within the Black community.  I’ve been thinking how  my own work and humor (which is drawn so much out of my own life and politics) contributes (or hinders) the liberation and re-centering of black lives consistently left behind by the progress of social justice movements.

3. Got a lot of writing done at Montalvo Arts Center!

I spent most of this summer in the middle of the woods (in Silicon Valley) in a gorgeous studio, writing down everything I remembered from my trip to Uganda and creating the spine for my new solo show.  I ended up with 250 pages that looked like one hell of a memoir.  From those pages, I pulled the best stuff to turn into this play I’m making now… The Wong Street Journal.

4. Made a second reality tv show that’s ACTUALLY family friendly.

Check out this really ridiculous episode of MYX TV’s Eat Your Words where I make sushi with character actor Rodney Kageyama.

5. Gave the Commencement Speech at UCLA (again!).

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If you ever wanted to see me dressed like Harry Potter crying like a big baby, here is your chance.  Colorlines picked up on the speech which gave it a nice boost, but their scintillating pull quote had Asian men screaming at me online.  (Yay, what’s new?)

6. Wrote some real badass essays.  Some of which my academic friends say they’ll teach in their classes!

From xo Jane:

I Can’t Believe I Now Have To Convince White People That I Like White People

I Thought Being Miserable Was Just Part Of Being Chinese American

The World Is a Dangerous Place, and It Makes Me Even More Scared to Have Kids

I’m Giving A Commencement Speech At UCLA Again — Here are 7 Scenarios I’m Worried About Besides James Franco Being Mean to Me

UNPOPULAR OPINION: 6 Reasons Why Your Utopic Vision for a Mixed-Race Future is My Nightmare

From CNN:

I jumped into reality TV to raise the profile of Asian Americans

7.  Got profiled by the NY Times!

 

8. Got profiled by the LA Times!

My cat Octavia is the second cat I’ve had to get a mention in the LA Times!

 

9. Gave a lot of Keynote speeches.
Stanford, Duke, UC Berkeley and DeAnza College.  What a freaking honor.  Here I am at UC Berkeley’s QACON…

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10.  I might be the only comedian to ever have sewn the New York Stock Exchange out of felt and then performed with said set at the Comedy Central Stage.

Post conflict Uganda? Microloans?  Rap? An end to poverty? Chinese people who turn white once in Africa?  This new show is the most complicated thing I’ve undertaken since that funny show I made about depression.

11. Continued to build partnerships with my friends in Uganda.

Raised over $500 from friends so that my friends at VAC-NET could put on their annual Drama and Dance Festival.  Also, sales from my RAP ALBUM helped pay for the initial costs of Nerio’s Studio in Uganda!

12. Booked a part on General Hospital!
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I even wrote about the greatest four lines in the history of soap operas for xoJane!

13.  Didn’t marry Jeremy Lin, but came $303 short.


Some people called it “the creepiest Kickstarter ever.” I called it the truest manifestation of love.  When I heard Jeremy Lin would be moving to LA to play for the Lakers, I immediately registered our wedding on The Knot and I tried to raise $5400 to buy two courtside tickets to woo his love.  After a hellish 30 days of insufferable cyber-begging, I fell just $304 short of my goal.  Sure I was devastated, but that did not stop me from raising our children….

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14.  A lot of Comedy Honors…..

This short that I made with Tani Ikeda made the Honor Roll of Comedy-- Salon’s “10 of the Best Moments in Political Comedy This Year”!

I also was at SXSW this year with xoJane’s “Fearlessly Funny: The Women Changing Digital Humor”.

I also outranked Courtney Love on this list of “25 Most Shameless Women on the Internet”

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW… Internet lists are LEGIT SOURCES OF NON-SUBJECTIVE NEWS.

15.  I hosted Mr. Hyphen 2014!!!

It was like the sketch comedy absurdo spirit from high school was with me!  Here are some highlights from the greatest community beauty pageant of all time…

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Introducing Jeremy Lins.

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Introducing George Takeis.

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Coronation

***

2015 will have a lot of good stuff to look forward to…  The Wong Street Journal is previewing all over the country and has its WORLD PREMIERE in June! I just booked a ticket to the Philippines in May (found a RT ticket for under $400!). I ‘m really really close to some super big things that I will announce soon!

This is where my life was always supposed to be.  I just had to kill the critics in my head.  Happy New Year!

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Kristina Wong & Rodney Kageyama Cook Up Laughs MYXTV’s EAT YOUR WORDS! (full episode!)

November 14th, 2014

I had a (hilarious) nervous breakdown on Reality TV trying to prove to Sensei Yuji Matsumoto of Kabuki Restaurants that I could make sushi better than them.

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Me and 657 year-old character actor Rodney Kageyama were challenged to make sushi on MyxTV’s “Eat Your Words.”  We are judged by Master Sommelier of Kabuki Restaurants, Sensei Yuji Matsumoto.  Did my one day sushi making class at Santa Monica Community College put me on par with master sushi chefs?  Find out in the Episode BELOW!

 

 

Please tweet me @mskristinawong and #eatyourwords so I know you are watching!

I originally started as a judge on the show but because I was so harsh, Eat Your Words told me I had to really prove myself as a cook.

Here I am on Episode 3 as a Judge…  If you ever wanted to see food described like bowel movements, this is the episode to watch!!

And here I am getting reparations for Yellow Fever on Myx!

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Category: Blog

Check out my Cavities in the NEW YORK TIMES!

November 11th, 2014

I’m finally in that part of the story where the Hero moves out of the crisis and towards the rising action.  I’m going to climax soon my friends.  And I’m going to enjoy it for as long as possible because I’ve been working way too hard just to get the foreplay part going to let it spark for just a second.

(The above was a reference from “Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest“, so chill out and don’t get too grossed out.)

 

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Category: Blog

Wedding Bliss for Jeremy Lin

July 27th, 2014

Procrastination combined with romantic obsession is a great combination that’s not helping my play get written any faster.  But love calls.

When I found out last week that Jeremy Lin was moving to Los Angeles to be closer to me, I knew it was a sign to abandon everything and start planning the wedding.

Here is my Kickstarter campaign “I WILL MARRY JEREMY LIN”. I’m raising $5400 to buy two courtside tix (yes, that’s the price of tickets for one game) so I can better woo my man this season.   A contribution of $1 gets you an invite to the wedding!

 

Here is the wedding page I have set up on THE KNOT. Sign the guestbook!

 

Here is an improvised poem for Jeremy that I recorded here at Montalvo.

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Here I am rehearsing my wedding vows. 

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Kristina Wong’s UCLA Asian Pacific Islander Graduation Commencement Speech

July 11th, 2014

Colorlines published my graduation speech and video yesterday from the UCLA API Commencement.  For those of you who want to watch and read it here on my site– wish granted.  THIS IS PROOF I GAVE A SPEECH IN A HARRY POTTER SNUGGIE, THEN STARTED CRYING.

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UCLA Asian Pacific Islander Graduation
June 15, 2014
Dickson Court North

Good afternoon Ladies, Gentlemen, and Non Gender Conforming people, parents–Happy Fathers Day Dad, family members, faculty, friends, lovers, partners, and people who just like hanging around commencement ceremonies of people you don’t know, and of course, the guests of honor this afternoon…the Graduating Class of 2014.

Graduates!  Here you are. Maybe you are the first person in your family to go to college.  Maybe you are not.  But it still was a lot of work to get here.  Today you join as a community to celebrate this crowning moment of your life and all your hard work by baking your butts off in the sun, while your family scrambles for shade, trapped on this campus for three final hours looking like the Asian cast of Harry Potter.  Give yourselves a round of applause!

Speaking of Harry Potter.  When the Asian Pacific Coalition told me that they didn’t have a graduation gown for me, this being a student initiated celebration, my friend from high school offered to send me something.  I didn’t realize it would be a Harry Potter Snuggie. So not only today do I represent the Class of 2000, but a legacy of wizards.

Sorry, I realize it’s not quite appropriate.  So I will just take it off.

(Removes Harry Potter Snuggie to reveal full scale Harry Potter robe with wand.)

Ok, cool.  Much more appropriate!

It’s an honor to be here.  After several back and forth emails with the staff of the Asian Pacific Coalition, I was informed that absolutely under no circumstances would I be receiving an honorary doctorate degree/Medal of Honor– nor was I allowed to beg for one during my speech.  And ok, I can deal with that.  But guess what? Nobody at APC forbid me from making a public request to Professor Valerie Matsumoto, to change the grade she gave me in her Asian American Women’s History course. Please Professor Matsumoto, if you are out there….  I am giving the graduation speech at APIG.  I think that’s qualification enough for you to retroactively change the B+ you gave me in 1999 to an A-. We can walk over to Murphy Hall right after this ceremony and do this….  Please Professor Matsumoto… For the honor of my family.  For the honor of my ancestors.

(someone whispers in Kristina’s ear)

Ok.  Seems that Professor Matsumoto is not here today and that I need to just go forward with my speech to be considerate of time. That’s ok, we’ll just tweet at Professor Matsumoto. #GPAjusticeForWong.  TREND IT folks!

Ok, where was I?  Oh yes.  Your future!  Yes.

Let me say that this invitation to speak comes as a surprise.  Even I admit I’m an unconventional speaker choice. Maybe you invited me because I was easy to access from Koreatown where I live… with my cat…

You could have invited people much more famous than me speak—President Obama, Amy Tan, that Asian guy on Youtube who does a web series with his cat… but you didn’t choose those people… you chose me…  a performance artist and writer…

I don’t have mainstream commercial recognition. I don’t own a huge corporation or even a car.  I am a person who makes a living oversharing her “dirty laundry” in one-woman theater shows.  My performance pranks explode stereotypes about gender and race.  I write really radical essays about taboo issues like mental health and race.  Basically — I embody every Chinese mother’s worst nightmare about what you might become after you graduate.

I am a third generation Chinese American, born to a middle class family, and raised in the greatest city in the world– San Francisco.

My parents grew up during the civil rights era and witnessed racism and class struggle first hand. My grandparents came to America with very little education and worked in laundries and butcher shops.  And as such, my parents didn’t understand why I would ever want to further challenge the socio-economic odds to do something like pursue the unstable life of an artist.

That’s why my parents planned my life ahead of time. At birth, my parents gave me a choice of three careers to pursue….

1.  Doctor.  2.  Doctor.  3. Physician.

Their pre-written narrative continued like this….  I was to become bilingual in Chinese, a concert pianist, a class valedictorian, win the Miss Chinatown pageant. After becoming a doctor, I was to marry a Chinese doctor (neurosurgeon).  And eventually we were to conceive Chinese doctor babies the only way that Chinese people procreate– via Immaculate Conception.  And our babies, in turn, would marry other Chinese doctors, and birth more obedient bilingual Chinese doctor babies.  This cycle would rinse and repeat for time immemorial, or for as long as my parents were alive to brag to their friends about all the doctors in the family.

The only the part of my parents’ fantasy that came true was the part where I get invited to give the commencement speech at UCLA, years after I graduate in 2014 and tell future graduates about my success.

My parents are actually here today.   I do love them.  If not for their support of my career now, I wouldn’t know what I would do.  They made the trip from San Francisco.  Or as my mother likes to say.  They are spending my inheritance early to be here… Thank you Mom and Dad.

I will be honest about my time at UCLA.  It was overwhelming and depressing. If you parents got confused about which lot to park in and how to find this quad and how to spot  your kid among this mess of matching gowns and hats? Because today is one of those days when all Asians do look the same…  Parents… Imagine what it must be like to navigating college life every day on this campus.  With schoolwork… and navigating identity and trying to figure out what you are going to do with the rest of your life.

Theater empowered me to navigate through the confusion of college. The class that changed my life wasn’t an Asian American Studies Class but a Chicano Theater Class with Professor Jose Luis Valenzuela.  In his class I learned how theater was a tool used for organizing farm workers.  How art could make a revolution both hilarious and poignant.  I saw the power of theater to write the narratives of marginalized people into existence. I realized the struggles of all marginalized people were interconnected.  We are not free if others are left behind.  And if we are empowered to rewrite the narratives we’ve been given about our lives, on our own terms, we can change our potential in the world.

College is when I made the scary realization that I wanted to become an artist.  I didn’t want to just be a Hollywood actor living at the mercy of other people’s approval. I didn’t want my value as an artist to be determined by a sexist, racist and capitalist framework. I wanted to make art on my terms that proliferated a value system I could believe in.

I wish I had a Cinderella story about how my life ended up after graduation. I wish I could just tell you all how everything that “fell magically into place.”  I wish I could say that at 23 I got courted by a television network that submitted to my every creative whim.   That did not happen. I wish I could say how a pre-med major married me and financed my art dreams… And by the way, I am still open to that happening any South campus majors, you can meet my parents after the ceremony… My mom would love a doctor in the family…

What I am saying is that the success I have met in my life happened because I kept showing up. I work my ass off. When I get a rejection, which happens a lot in my field, I moan and groan a little, I move on. When I perform a show, or write an essay that misses the mark, I beat myself up a little but then I pick myself back up, and I try harder.

We have two choices in life… submit to our fears or surprise ourselves by facing them—so there’s no harm in setting goals, and dreaming big…

For me my goals are fairly modest.  I want to write a new show to premiere in 2015.  I’d love to publish a memoir.  And I’d love to have Jeremy Lin’s baby before I run out of eggs in four years.  Can anyone here help make that happen?!  There’s got to be a Tawainese person who has him as a family friend.

Ok… #MrsJeremyLin-Wong  Trend it Folks!

Ok, what was I saying?  Oh yes!

Class of 2014, let’s talk about what you are going to do after graduation today… besides summer school…

Let’s address first of all, the emasculation of Asian men and how the media “doesn’t consider Asian men sexy.” Where the hell is the world getting these ideas that Asian men aren’t sexy?! I want to see the young Asian American men of your generation model healthy masculinity that’s not being reflected in mainstream America.  I want the future of Asian men to show that what’s sexy is respecting a woman’s boundaries, dismantling patriarchy, fighting for social justice all while coding the heck out of a computer program!  That’s what a sexy! Asian American men, are you going to be the new face of sexy?

And my Asian American sisters.  Are you out there?

We’ve been depicted as exotic, obedient, docile, quiet, sweet,  we’ve been silenced, we don’t get taken seriously when we speak up…You know what the whole world is going to find out about us in the next twenty years?  Is that we run the show.  We’ve BEEN running the show. We aren’t anybody’s trophy.  We are Asian American women.  We are smart, funny, sassy and HOT.  We inherited some serious skills from our mothers and in the future, I want to see Asian American women running circles around the old guard.

And finally, to my LGBTQ Asians and their queer allies–  and by allies, I hope I’m addressing everyone in this quad today. Let me say to my beautiful queer siblings that whatever terminology you choose to embrace your unique identity, whether you are out or not, you’ve faced double marginalization.  I imagine a world where your courage to live out and proud inspires your family and friends to fight for equality for everyone, at every level. I see a future, where it is safe to come out.  Where nobody has to hide who they are because of the threat of violence, shame, or being ousted from their community.  I see a future, where the queer narrative does not go forgotten.

In the future, Class of 2014, when you are making six figures, and South Campus you know I’m addressing you… North Campus, you know this message isn’t for you… (I can make that joke… I was a North Campus person myself!) When you are rich, will you remember the work of your grandparents and your parents? Or will you forget?  Will you forget the work of the revolutionaries and activists whose work you benefit from?

Will you become complacent with what privilege you’ve got and deny issues of racism, sexism and poverty?  Will you perpetuate the oppression of others to get ahead?  Or will you be one of the cool people?  Will you develop innovative models of business and community that do not oppress other people? Will you bring up those who are marginalized in your success?

And if you become rich will you give to my Kickstarter campaign?

Class of 2014.  Let yours be the generation that doesn’t just whine about the ills of the world.  Let yours be the generation that takes activism beyond hashtags into actual compassionate action and visible movements on the ground.

Let yours be the generation that takes the stigma out of mental health issues that plague our community.

Let your generation not buy into the myth of a “post-race American” or a “post-feminist America”—will you confront these issues as difficult as they are?

Let yours be the generation that takes the stigma out of being an undocumented immigrant. A stigma that discourages young undocumented people from applying for deferred action status because it makes them vulnerable to deportation.  One out of every eight Asians immigrants is undocumented. I hope you stand up against the deportation.  Stand up for keeping families together.  Tell the US Government to deport Avril Lavigne and Justin Bieber instead!

Finally, this is the last time you’ll gather together like this face to face. Thanks to Facebook, everyday of your life is going to feel like a college reunion.  Thanks to social media, you’ll get to watch your classmates get engaged, go on their honeymoons with them, watch them raise their kids, look at the food they eat.  And it can make you feel super insecure.  Just remember…. nobody is really as hot as they are in their profile photos, so there’s no need to compare your success to someone else’s.   Just remember to work on your life, whatever pace you are working at it.

To quote Yuri Kochiyama, a civil rights activist who passed away earlier this month at 93.   “Don’t become too narrow. Live fully. Meet all kinds of people. You’ll learn something from everyone. Follow what you feel in your heart.”

Everything in this world exists because people like you imagined it could be possible and worked towards making it exist.  Civil Rights.   An Asian American Studies program.   Candy Crush Saga.  This API Graduation was made possible decades ago by API students who decided that the struggles of Asian American students were going unacknowledged by a world that had bought into the Model Minority Myth.  That ignored for example, the struggles of Southeast Asian students. And this celebration is to celebrate our diversity, our triumphs and the potential of our community.

It’s been an honor to share in this tradition with you. Thank you so much for having me as your speaker and good luck to you Class of 2014!

 

 

 

 

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